


Koka Kola

by orphan_account



Category: Game Grumps
Genre: Drug Use, Gen, More warnings will be added as the story goes on
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-30
Updated: 2016-06-17
Packaged: 2018-05-30 03:57:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 21,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6407824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan has developed a love for something, that may cost him everything... But as they say... 'Coke adds life, where there isn't any...'</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter one

**Author's Note:**

> This story is not beta read. I need help.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It all seems controlable at first.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is not beta read. Beta reader for later chapters has been found.

“… We came in?” 

Dan looked at Arin with a blank expression, feeling frantic, while he was watching the other play a game. He forgot which one it was, his mind was… Somewhere else. It was already evening and he was starting to count the seconds, until the session was over.

Arin asked him something along the lines of ‘Are you okay?’ Cheerful as usual though. Dan looked up, as if he was waking up from a long nap “I uhm… Yeah. Of course.” He nodded, with a grin that seemed faker than he planned on. He just needed to get away. He needed to do… something. Something he’s been doing for weeks now.  
Hidden of course.

At first he did it after the Grump sessions. Hidden in his own bedroom, without Barry knowing about it. But as the cravings got stronger, as he felt himself succumb to it more and more, he would sneak out occasionally, hide in the bathroom of the building...

Shit, he was feeling the overwhelming urge again. Dan nudged Arin playfully and said “Hey, I gotta go and take a shit.”  
Arin nodded “Right, enjoy yourself.”

“Oh, I sure will.”

Both of them laughed. Dan himself was surprised by how convincing he sounded. He only had one thing in mind and the urge manifested itself into a rather static feeling that was only broken up by Arin saying ‘Hey Barry, could you keep this in?’

But he didn’t care.

Dan arrived inside the bathroom and locked the door, after making sure he was alone. Then he sighed in relief. He searched the bathroom for his hiding place. He’d hide it somewhere else, each time.

This time it was hidden taped to the back of the drawer. He smiled again, upon seeing the little bag with the white powder in it.

At first it was just meant to be a one off thing. He and Brian had tried a tiny bit at a party, it wasn’t anything special, and honestly it was just an instant of ‘Hey, let’s try something stupid and reckless!’ That’s all. Brian forgot about it and carried on with the party.

But Dan wanted more. He needed more.

He got out a razor blade and a small hand mirror out of one of the other drawers. He then put some of the powder on it and carefully aligned it into two lines with the blade.  
Cocaine.

Who would have thought it was going to turn into a full blown addiction? He probably should’ve seen it coming, in hindsight, he shouldn’t have asked for a second line in the first place. But he did. He loved the kick it gave him, the sudden spark of energy and creativity he always had, seemed to turn into a firework of ideas, because of this drug. The world around him seemed to become faster, in a beautiful way.

Dan snorted the first neatly aligned line and felt his heart beating faster. This wonderful euphoric feeling was rushing through his body, but he needed more, he knew that this small amount wouldn’t do much.

He quickly snorted the second line. There it was. It seemed to hit him like a truck. This feeling as if he was on top of the fucking world. Dan had to sit down on the floor and take a few deep breathes. He bit his lips and he could feel his pupils dilate. The downside was this anxiety that crept into his high, trying to make him feel guilty. He didn’t know why he should feel guilty; he wasn’t hurting anyone, after all.

Dan didn’t know why, but for some reason he wasn’t satisfied. He emptied the bag and made two more lines and snorted them. His heart started to beat faster and he grinded his teeth. This felt… amazing. He let out a slight groan, when he felt a painful thumping in his head… Shit, how long had he been in here now?

Was he going crazy, or did time pass by faster, or slower? He couldn’t be sure at this point, and the feeling of his pupils dilating became obnoxiously strong.

He stood up, his legs shaking heavily and he splashed some ice cold water into his face, so Arin or Barry wouldn’t get suspicious of him. He put on a fake smile and strolled back, trying to suppress the muscle spasm, that made him want to shake violently. Arin announced upon his friend’s return “The king has returned from his throne! How was it Mister Sexbang?”

“It was quite the experience.” Dan sat next to him on the couch. He had to rub his nose again and he felt even more anxious… Was he on a bad trip? He felt his chest heaving as he tried to breathe normally, breath like someone who wasn’t high on cocaine would. But he couldn’t focus for some reason. He could feel his thin fingers dig into the couch and Arin’s concerned gaze. Why did his mouth feel this dry?

“A-Arin… Why are you starring at me?” he asked, having an odd ringing in his ears. Arin tilted his head “Im not starring at you.” Dan could see his lips move, but there seemingly wasn’t any sound coming out.

“Arin, please…” He was shaking violently now and shook his head “I… I need to go back to the bathroom.” He felt like he was going to go crazy. By god, his chest was hurting. Dan shot up from the couch, covering his mouth.

An Overdose.

It was clear to him now.

He needed to throw up.

“DAN!” Arin wanted to follow him, but Dan just turned to him and hissed with an oddly calm voice, still shaking and sweating heavily “Stay the fuck away from me.” He didn’t want to die in front of Arin. Not like this. Arin just stood there, with a shocked expression, but it didn’t matter right now. The numbness had taken over his body, his chest had become cold and the pain was even worse. The first thing he had to do was to get the rest out of the hiding place. He staggered to the drawer and pulled it out, grabbing the plastic bag that was taped onto the back. 

This… This numbness. He punched the mirror and felt the shards cut into his flesh. He seemed to be regaining some feeling and he could think a bit clearer, as the sudden pain pulled him back into reality.

He threw the bag into the toilet and then fell onto the ground. Did he flush it down? He wasn’t sure. He just passed out; the last thing he could sense was the taste of vomit, running out of the side of his mouth.

He didn’t exactly see his life flashing before his eyes that were starring nearly lifeless into nothing. He just recalled how he came to be addicted. The music seemed still so loud to him, he could still hear the thumping base, when he snorted one line, just for fun, just to try.

The Dealer had promised that it’d make his life a party. It’d make his mind work overtime. The perfect substance for someone as talented as him. And Dan believed him. Of course he had heard all about the dangers of drug usage. But he thought… He could control it. He thought it wouldn’t get out of hand. So he had a second line.  
But it didn’t matter now. He was going to die of an overdose. He coughed violently, shaking and cramping, more vomit coming out, with each wheeze.

He didn’t want to die… He didn’t want to die…

Dan wanted to curl up into a ball, he could barely breath, and he was in so much pain. All he could do was groaning and watch his chest heave, with each forced breath.  
He could hear Footsteps, they sounded echoed and distant, almost unreal. He could hear panicked voices, talking about… calling the ambulance. He didn’t get the rest, having finally passed out for a second but then woke up again. He could feel a pair of hands, turning his whole body to its side, possibly so that he wouldn’t choke on his own puke. He could breathe again.

More panicked voices. Someone was hyperventilating and weeping, pressing their face against his chest, calling out for him. It was Arin. He was pretty sure, that was Arin. Someone was shouting at him to calm down. Time seemed to past too fast and he felt unfamiliar hands heave him onto a stretcher and carry him out. He could feel two familiar hands holding his and he could hear even more crying. He finally passed out again, and remained unconscious for the reminder of the drive to the hospital.

 

Barry had stayed behind. He had volunteered to clean up the blood and bile on the ground. With a heavy sigh he had grabbed a mop and a bucket of soapy warm water and started to wash away. He needed to time to gain composure though. The image of Arin weeping and breaking down in front of a nearly lifeless Dan was still so clear in his mind.  
Just what the hell had happened to Dan? He couldn’t tell. His friend had just freaked out, started screaming and shaking. He just didn’t understand…  
Well he didn’t, until now.

Barry’s gaze fell upon the plastic bag of white powder, swimming in the toilette, almost looking like a used condom. And he honestly had wished that’s what it was. It would have implied less awful things.

“Come on Dan, you can’t be serious…” he muttered to himself “Please Dan… Please don’t tell me that this is what I think it is…”

He remembered when he was at school, that they talked about drugs. How they looked. How they’re used. Barry searched the bathroom for gear: needles, a pipe… anything. He only found a mirror still covered in a bit of powder and a razor blade.

Tear dwelled up in Barry’s eyes.

“Dan… Dan, please don’t tell me you’re doing this shit…” He put the bag into his pocket. He wouldn’t tell anyone, he’d just confront Dan about it. Because this couldn’t be true. He wished it wasn’t true. He felt himself shaking with a weird mix of anger, sadness and disappointment.

Barry just kicked the bucket, with a loud ‘FUCK’ and spilled the soapy, pinkish, vomit water onto the ground. As the dust had settled he grabbed the bucket, refilled and cleaned up the mess, unable to suppress this strange feeling.

He hoped to everything that was holy, that Dan wasn’t doing what he thinks he was doing. But that bag of powder and the mirror were too much evidence. After he cleaned up, he just sat at the table in the living room, waiting for Dan.

He had to ask him about it.

He was going to ask him about it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some people never learn, do they?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I found a beta reader! All the credits to them!

Chapter 2

Dan woke up, drenched in sweat and incredibly scared. He wasn’t in his home… Looking around he realized he was in a hospital bed. After blinking a few more times, he saw Arin sleeping in an empty bed next to him; he was listening to his iPod, probably to calm himself. He could see the tear stains on his face. His hand was holding Dan’s and Dan had to let go. Arin didn’t wake up; he just pulled his hand back and curled up. Dan looked around. He had an infusion on his right arm and he was hooked up to a heart monitor.

Dan wanted to talk, but his mouth felt too dry.

His gaze fell to the door, when he saw a doctor enter. The doctor smiled softly, grasping a clipboard and then grabbed a chair, to sit next to Dan.

“Good morning Mr. Avidan.” The Doctor spoke “I’m not sure if you remember, but I’m Doctor Andrew.” He looked over the clipboard. Dan suddenly remembered: He had overdosed, Arin had called an ambulance and now he was here.

“Does He know what happened?” Dan asked. He didn’t even want to say Arin’s name. It didn’t feel right to him. Much to Dan’s relief, Doctor Andrew shook his head 

“He doesn’t know what had happened. But we’ll have to tell him…”

“No!” Dan said shocked “P-please don’t tell him… Arin is my best friend, I don’t want him to know what happened… If he knew that I overdosed on… You know…” Dan took a deep breath and he could feel his hands shake “He would never want to talk to me again.”

The Doctor sighed “We can’t keep it a secret forever, Mr. Avidan. We’ll be forced to tell him if it happens again.”  
“No… Please, don’t tell him.” Dan said hoarsely again “I-I’ll tell him myself.” He looked at Arin again, the thought of his friend holding his hand through the night, afraid he may lose him if he let go of Dan, just filled him with more guilt.

Dan’s eyes dwelled with tears, his vision became misty. The doctor sighed once again and put the clipboard down, pinching the bridge of his nose “Mr. Avidan, this is… something that you need to inform him about.”

“I-I will tell him… Just not now. Not like this.” He sighed. 

The Doctor nodded and said “Your friend Mr. Hanson had been in tears in the waiting room. The only reason we allowed him to stay was because he thought you would die.”  
“…” Dan looked down in shame and guilt.

“He was still crying, when he was with you… He would’ve cried all night, if we hadn’t given him half a sleeping pill.”

“Why… why are you telling me all of this?” Dan asked hoarsely. Doctor Andrew looked at Arin and then at Dan “I’m hoping I could move you to tell him. But… I guess it really is your own choice. We’re gonna tell him, as soon as he wakes up, that we’re not allowed to tell him what had happened, because of the privacy agreement.”

Dan nodded “Thank you.” He looked at Arin, who was still sleeping. He could only imagine how awful last night must’ve been for him… Not knowing what happened, not sure if Dan would make it. He looked at the Doctor “Are you gonna call the cops?”

“No.” he shook his head in response “Anything that goes on between a doctor and a patient is absolutely confidential and calling the police would break this rule.”  
“Thank you.” Dan seemed relieved once again and he sank back into his bed “When can I go home?”

“This evening. You’re surprisingly stable, for someone who overdosed.” The Doctor then grabbed into the pocket of his white coat, pulling out a pamphlet “I’d recommend you visit this. It’s every Sunday and it’s for free.”

Dan looked through the pamphlet; a pamphlet for a support group for drug addicts. He wasn’t sure what to say. He just gave it back saying “I’ll google it.”  
He couldn’t go there. His friends would get suspicious. He looked at Arin again, who had woken up and was smiling reliefed “DAN!”

“Arin…” Dan couldn’t look at him, he was full of guilt, but Arin didn’t notice, he just hugged his friend, tears of joy glistening on his face “Oh god, I was scared… I thought you were dead!”

“I’m not dead… You can’t get rid of me that quickly.” Dan assured him and patted his back… And there was this feeling again, this craving. It had only been one night, but Dan already needed to take more. A painful feeling of anxiety crept under his skin.

He hated himself so much for this.

“Did you sleep well?” Dan asked.

Arin nodded in response “It was difficult at first… But a nurse gave me half a sleeping pill and then I finally fell asleep.” He didn’t mention that he was crying. But Dan knew. Maybe he didn’t want him to feel guilty…

If Arin only knew, that the craving was still eating him up.

Dan also noticed that Arin looked different. He looked tired and in shock… But who wouldn’t, after what he had seen yesterday. And Dan knew it was his own fault. He wasn’t sure how trauma worked, but seeing your best friend almost die… this could mess someone up.

He felt this thumping in his head again, his brain was reminding him that he wanted more. He looked at Arin in his arms, Arin who had been crying almost all night, because he almost lost his best friend, poor Arin who had no idea, that even now he needed more.

Dan felt more self loathing swell inside of him and he whispered…

“Arin… Could you stand up? I need to puke.”

 

Barry woke up, his head hurt and he realized he was sitting at the table in the living room. He must have fallen asleep, so after taking a deep breath and blinking a few times, he looked at the clock… Damn it was seven pm already. Why did he wake up anyway?

Knocking.

Well that explained everything.

Barry got up, yawning, as he opened the door and saw Dan. He didn’t seem… Happy. He seemed desperate.  
“Dan.” Barry would make it quick and to the point “Dan, we need to talk.”

He saw Dan’s eyes widen in shock “Barry, I just came back from the hospital.” Barry rubbed the bridge of his nose “Dan, it’s important.” He sighed “I really need to talk to you.”  
“Okay.” Dan nodded “Just… let me go to the bathroom.”

Barry didn’t answer. He just watched Dan walk past him and he suddenly felt empty. He had to do this. He had no other choice. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath and walked to the bathroom. Dan was searching it and Barry knew what he was looking for.

“Looking for something?” he pulled out the bag of Cocaine and Dan turned around. The way Dan looked at him broke his heart “Barry.”

“Care to explain yourself, Dan?”

“It was just a one off thing.” Dan told him “I can stop whenever I want.”

Deep down, Barry knew he was lying. They always would say things like that, to convince the others not to question them further. Barry shook his head and then said coldly, hiding his cracking voice, “Then get rid of this.”

He threw the little plastic bag to Dan, who caught it, and turned around. He didn’t know why he trusted Dan enough to get rid of it. Maybe he… Maybe he didn’t want to think about it anymore and he could feel Dan glaring at him, his gazes burning themselves into the back of his head. Was he being judged?

Maybe.

He didn’t blame him. But Barry trusted Dan to make the right choice. And Barry… Barry couldn’t help but feel like he shouldn’t…

That wasn’t until he heard the flushing of the toilet. He turned around and saw Dan, smiling.

“Dan… I’m proud of you.” Barry patted his back “You’ve done the right thing.”

“After what happened last night, I don’t think I’m ever gonna try that again.” Dan said sheepish “I don’t wanna hurt you or Arin… Or anyone.” He seemed regretful and that was enough for Barry. He smiled at Dan “I knew you could do it.”

Barry sighed “Well, I still got an episode to work on.” And he left to get to editing.

 

Dan didn’t stop starring at the door, until Barry had left. He sat onto the ground and grabbed into his pocket and through tears of guilt and shame he looked at the bag with the white powder. Oh god… He had lied right to Barry. He felt so ashamed, but… The drug had such a grip on him, a grip that he couldn’t escape.

Locking the door, he took another deep breath. The craving was getting worse, but he knew it’d soon be satisfied.

He grabbed his little hand mirror and prepared three lines. He knew what his limit was. Three. Not too much, but just enough to have that wave of euphoria hit him.  
He snorted the lines, carefully, one after the other. He let out a loud, sharp gasp of pleasure, he felt so energized again, there was no anxiety, only energy, the drive to do…

Anything he wants.

And he knew exactly what he wanted…

 

He felt so lightheaded, yet so in control. He stood up, rubbing his nose, to get rid of any traces of the powder. He then stumbled to the sink, to clean off the mirror and the razor. He looked at his reflection, his pupils were dilated, he was twitching… That was the best high he’s had.

He stumbled out of the bathroom and to Barry, hugging him from behind.

“Dan…?” the confusion was clear in his voice, but there was also a hint of… anticipation. As if he knew what Dan was planning.

Dan nuzzled his face into Barry’s neck, softly kissing it. Barry gasped sharply “D-Dan… I have to concentrate…” he muttered, turning red. Dan muttered back “Come on, Barry… You need to relax.” He could feel Barry shudder and that only drove him more. His hands slipped underneath Barry’s shirt and he continued shuddering “Dan… I…”

Dan could feel Barry almost melting into his touch, leaning against him “Barry, just let it happen…” he whispered into the other’s ear.  
God, this high was amazing.

Barry nodded and he turned around. Dan started kissing him, pulling him up from his chair. The two were making out; Dan was closing his eyes, just taking in the moment… And because he didn’t want Barry to see his pupils…

He’d know otherwise.

Barry was biting his bottom lip and Dan shuddered, this was perfect. Being with Barry was perfect, the High he was having was perfect. It was all perfect. And Barry seemed more than willing to make this even more perfect…

The two went to the bedroom.

It was truly wonderful.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They say if you repeat a lie enough times, it'll turn to truth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to my Beta reader!

Chapter 3  
Dan woke up, realizing that he was holding Barry in his arms. What had happened last night? He didn’t know. He buried his face into Barry’s hair, taking a deep breath, which seemed to have woken up Barry, because he was chuckling “Anyone would call you a creep.”

“What happened last night?” Dan asked confused. Barry turned to him “You… You don’t remember?” he frowned “I thought you’d remember.” He stood up and got dressed.

“Barry?”

“It’s okay Dan. It was nice while it lasted.” Barry sounded genuinely hurt. Dan sat up on the bed “Barry… No hard feelings right?” he asked, as he got dressed as well “I’m sorry.” He felt guilty. Seems like in his high he’s had a one night stand with Barry. And now he didn’t even remember it.

“No Hard feelings.” Barry said, oddly cold and Dan just looked away, shifting his gaze away from Barry. Dan just stood up and got dressed as well, not looking at the other, who just walked away. Dan walked to the bathroom, walking past Barry, who was drinking a cup of coffee.

Dan couldn’t believe it. He woke up with Barry in his arms. Barry, whom he loved. What was the first thing on his mind?

He looked at his little plastic bag. There wasn’t much left, just enough for his last three lines. He shook his head. He shouldn’t do this. Dan put the bag down…

‘Come on, Dan…’

He heard that voice. Dan shook his head. He couldn’t do this to them… He couldn’t do this to himself.

‘Dan… Please… You have to do it.’

He had it under control… He had it under control. They were going to hate him, Barry already knows, he possibly hates him already. He needed it so badly. He felt his whole body shake…

‘Come on Dan, it’s so easy…’

Without realizing it, he had three lines on his hand mirror.

‘You can stop anytime you want.’

“I can stop anytime I want…” he repeated to himself, closing his eyes “I can stop anytime I want.” His voice cracked slightly “Anytime. I can just quit. I can just say ‘Fuck this’ and stop taking it.” He grinned and nodded to himself.

“I can control this.”

He snorted the lines and started laughing to himself quietly. The laughter turned into tears.

“Oh god I hate myself so much.” Dan laughed, wiping away his tears and pulling his knees to himself “I hate myself so, so much.” He continued laughing, hugging himself “I’m weak and pathetic.” He giggled, with tears in his eyes “I can’t control anything.”

‘We ran out of stuff, Dan.’

The little voice warned him and Dan nodded.

‘We need to get more stuff, Dan.’

Almost mechanically, Dan stood up. He never realized how cold the bathroom floor felt underneath his bare feet. How the whole room seemed to become even colder.  
He saw Barry sitting in front of his laptop. Dan took a deep breath “Hey Barry! I’m just gonna go for a walk, okay?”

Barry nodded in response.

“Barry, could you answer me please?” Dan waved his hand in front of Barry’s face. Barry sighed “Sorry Dan, I’m still digesting the fact that you fucked me last night, but somehow didn’t remember it. Did it mean anything to you?” he sounded bitter.

There was a long awkward silence.

“…I need to go now.” Dan muttered. Barry rolled his eyes “Yeah, sure. See you later.”

“…” Dan walked to the entry door and put on his shoes, a jacket and a pair of sunglasses. As he closed the door behind him, he pressed his hand against the door and muttered “I love you.”

 

Barry starred at the screen. The editing software was open but he couldn’t get himself to do anything on it. He mostly just remained expressionless. Why was he so upset? Barry tapped the table and then stood up, sighing heavily. He needed a shower, he still smelt like him. But he smiled a bit at the thought of last night. Dan had been so gentle to him.

Why didn’t he remember anything?

…

“No.” Barry shook his head. He almost guessed that Dan had been high during sex. But he had gotten rid of it, hadn’t he?

‘You can’t trust a junkie.’

Barry shook his head again. Why was he having these thoughts? Dan wasn’t a junkie. Barry knew what junkies looked like; unwashed, starved, homeless, begging for money, or doing even worse things for it.

Dan didn’t do any of this stuff. Dan wasn’t a junkie. He had just tried something out, it backfired and now he promised he’d never do it again.

And he wasn’t just trying to deny it, because he loved Dan.

No.

He knew Dan. He had been living with him for years. The most he’d do is weed. That’s all. Nothing more and suddenly he just felt incredibly lonely. He needed to talk to anyone, so he grabbed his cell phone and dialed Brian’s number. God, what would he even say to him?

‘Hello Brian, guess what: Dan almost died yesterday!’

That didn’t seem right. But maybe, if he was lucky, someone had already told him.

“Hello?”

“Hey man, it’s me, Barry.” Barry sighed and slumped onto the couch “I… I just wanted to ask how you were doing.”

“I should be the one asking you. Arin just told me what had happened. I was about to call you two… I-is Dan okay?”

“He went on a walk.” Barry wouldn’t mention what happened last night “I’m not sure when he’s coming back.” He just noticed how tired he sounded “I’m gonna try and convince Dan to take some time off.”

“Sounds about right.” Brian said and paused “Are you okay too?”

Barry didn’t answer.

“Barry?”

“I don’t know. I just feel a bit… empty.” He shrugged “I almost lost Dan and it just felt like a nightmare, you know? Is Arin okay? He was pretty shaken.”

“… He didn’t sound okay. He hasn’t said anything, except that Dan almost died and he didn’t know why. But he didn’t say if he was doing well. I wanted to ask him, but he hung up before I could…” Brian sounded worried.

“I should call him.” Barry suggested “Though, he may still be asleep. It’s been a long day for both of us. For all three of us.” He shook his head, damn he really needed a break. Nothing he said was making any sense. Barry sighed “Brian, are you still there?”

“Yeah. Hey, Barry? Please take care okay?”

“Okay. I’ll try.”

“No, I mean it.”

Barry didn’t respond.

“Barry, I mean it. Eat something, sleep a little. You need a break.”

“I think I’m going to call Arin, that’s the least I can do.” Barry muttered into the phone.

“Do that.” Brian said “Hey, how about we get something to eat later? You know, once Dan comes back and you’ve called Arin, we could all four just hang out and-“

“No.” Barry closed his eyes “No. I don’t feel like going outside today. I’m sorry.” Barry’s voice cracked a little “I hope you understand that.”

“I understand that.” Brian was sighing “Well, I have to go. Maybe you’ll change your mind.”

“Maybe… bye.” Barry hung up. He just starred at his phone for a while. Should he really call Arin? He probably had enough already. It took Barry another while to dial Arin’s number, but he did.

“Hello…?”

Arin sounded shaky. As if he hasn’t slept all night.

“Hey Arin, it’s me. I wanted to check on you… Arin, Jesus man, you sound tired.” Barry said.

“So do you. I just don’t understand why this happened. What happened with Dan? Why was he acting like that…? I just don’t understand.”

“…” Barry knew perfectly well, why Dan had been acting this way. Should he tell Arin? How long could he keep this a secret, for Dan’s sake? Why did he even care so much?

“…”

“Barry?”

“I don’t know, honestly.” Barry said. Yes, it was a lie and he didn’t know why he lied to Arin.

“It’s okay.” Arin sounded disappointed, maybe Barry just imagined him sounding disappointed.

“What’s next? Should we just move on?”

“…” This time it was Arin who didn’t respond.

“Arin?”

He had hung up. Arin just hung up on him. Barry put his phone on the table and sat in front of his laptop again. He’d try to do some editing. That’s when he heard the door. He didn’t want to open it at first, he needed to focus, but he did anyway.

“Hey Dan.” Barry just looked at him “How was your walk.”

Dan grinned at him “It was great, Barry. Simply amazing.” He softly pecked him on the lips, which left Barry blushing slightly “I uhm…” he seemed flustered. Wait, shouldn’t he be mad at Dan? Maybe. You can’t trust a junkie after all.

‘Dan is not a junkie.’

He repeated this to himself multiple times, like a mantra ‘He is not a junkie, he is not a junkie, he is not a junkie’

And he was kissed again by him.

‘Junkies are unwashed, starving. They lie and steal from you.’

Barry buried his hands into Dan’s hair.

‘They don’t kiss you, they don’t love you. All they care about is their own personal gain and when they’ll get their next fix..’

And Barry closed his eyes, as if he was subconsciously ignoring Dan’s dilated pupils.

‘Dan is not a junkie. He isn’t high at the moment. He’ll remember what we did.’

As if repeating a lie, would somehow turn it into truth.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What differentiates Dan from a junkie? Control? Or the illusion of it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Credits to my Beta. I hope you enjoy it, I could really use some feedback though, so I know what works and what doesn't work.

Chapter 4  
Arin was awake, staring at the ceiling of the bedroom. It was three in the afternoon and Suzy had gone to get groceries an hour ago. Arin had been trying to fall asleep for hours now, but he failed. Every time he tried, he just had this image of Dan, violently cramping up… Throwing up and almost choking on his own puke. Arin shook at the thought, as he remembered how limp and lifeless Dan’s body felt when he turned him on his side. He sat up again and looked at his phone. Barry was probably mad at him for hanging up on him like that, but what did he expect?

He had nerves for saying that they should just move on.

Arin had seen his best friend nearly die in front of him and he couldn’t forget this image. The wheezing noises. All this vomit. The blood stained knuckles. He felt himself space off and each breath he took, each movement he made seemed unreal to him. He clenched his hands to fists and carefully stood up. He couldn’t let this happen, Suzy would be back any minute.

Don’t think about it…

The ambulance… The paramedic had tried to calm him down by shouting at him. It was possibly for the best, since he was holding Dan, trying to call out to him, as if it would help somehow… He thought about how he pressed his face against Dan’s chest to hear a heartbeat.

‘Dan…’ he could still hear his own voice echo in his mind: tearful, cracked and desperate ‘DANIEL!’

His voice trying to do the impossible, of reviving someone he thought was dead… as if it would make a difference.

‘Dan!’

Arin started to shake.

“DAN!” he screamed out. He felt a pair of hands softly touching his shoulder.

“Arin! Arin, it’s me Suzy!”

“…” Arin looked up “Suzy… Oh god…” he slowly stood up “Everything’s alright now, okay.” He hugged her, trying to stop thinking about it.

“Did you get some sleep?” she asked, tilting her head with a concerned smile. Arin just walked to the kitchen “I’ll help you with the groceries.”

“Arin, please don’t change the subject. I gotta know, okay?”

“…” Arin just put the groceries into the fridge “I’m fine.”

“Arin, you’re so absentminded, you’re putting the oil in the fridge.”

“Oh.” He nodded and put it in the right place “I’m sorry.” He really didn’t want to talk with Suzy about it. He couldn’t talk with her about it. She’d laugh at him, or tell him to get over it. He was supposed to be strong, right? He shouldn’t be having flashbacks, he shouldn’t be constantly asking himself ‘what if…?’ He just shouldn’t. But then again, he didn’t want to worry Suzy, he should talk to her.

“I haven’t slept since I came back from the hospital.” Arin looked at the ground. Suzy took a deep breath “Do you want to talk about it, Sweetie?” she asked him, softly cupping his face. Arin shifted his gaze. He couldn’t say it.

“Suzy… Is it weird that I still see this image of Dan, almost dying? Every time I close my eyes I see him coughing up vomit and… Oh god… I just can’t sleep.” He explained, as he sat onto the couch. Suzy sat next to him, holding his hand “It’s not weird. Arin, it’s only normal that seeing something like this wouldn’t just be forgotten.” Suzy assured him, kissing him softly on the forehead “It’s gonna be difficult to get over something like this.”

“I’ve been thinking about talking to Dan.” Arin muttered. Suzy nodded. “You should do that.”

“He’s gonna be happy to see me… I hope.” Arin smiled lightly. “Maybe I’ll feel better, seeing him up and about.”

Dan remembered this time what had happened, as he held Barry in his arms once again. He had been high, but he didn’t forget it. “Hey, rise and shine.” He said softly to him. Barry just shook his head “Noooo… I don’t want to.” He yawned.

“Come on, it’s like four in the afternoon.”

There was a knock on the door.

“I’ll get it.” Dan kissed Barry on the forehead and he felt his heart flutter a bit, when Barry smiled at him through half closed eyes.

Dan put his clothes on and opened the door. He smiled “Arin!”

“Hey Dan! I just wanted to check on you. You know, after…”

“I know.” Dan sighed. “But, I’m okay now.”

Arin seemed tired, his usual enthusiasm didn’t seem authentic. Dan tilted his head “Arin? Come here.” Dan hugged him and felt him shake. It must’ve hit him hard. Really hard. He could hear Barry get out of bed. “Arin?”

Dan let go of Arin, who was holding back tears. “I’m sorry. I just… keep seeing that image of Dan and… I still don’t… know why.”

Dan looked at Barry. Barry knew and Dan hoped that Barry wouldn’t say anything. Barry just sighed “I wish I could help you, man.”

Dan looked at Barry with a slight smile. Arin didn’t need to know about his habit…

“You know, we should all go out together.” Arin suggested. “Have some dinner… After all of this, I think we kinda deserve this.” He started to twiddle his thumb nervously. Barry sighed. “Well, we’re gonna have to invite Brian. He asked me earlier today and I said no…”

“Uhm, I’m gonna join you guys later.” Dan said with a light smile. “I’m a bit tired.”

“No.” Barry took his hand. “You’re coming with us. I’m calling Brian and then you-“

“Barry, please.” Dan looked at Barry. “Please, I’m tired.”

“You’re tired, all of a sudden?” Barry frowned. “Dan, can I talk to you? In the other room.”

“Uhm sure. We’ll be right back, Arin. Just sit down and do your thing.” Dan nodded at him.

 

After the two had left to the bedroom, Arin sat at the table nervously. He felt curiosity swell up inside of him, he just wanted to know what was going on, so he sneaked to the door of the bedroom and listened in closely.

Barry: “Dan, you’re just gonna use it again, that’s why you wanna stay, don’t you?”

Dan: “No, you saw me getting rid of it! Barry, you trust me right!”

Barry: “I saw your eyes, they were dilated. Dan. Are you still taking this stuff?”

What?

Arin’s eyes widened as he continued to listen.

Barry: “DAN ANSWER ME!”

Dan: “…”

Barry: “…Dan.”

Dan: “I’m not a…”

Arin could hear Dan pause, as if he didn’t want to say a certain word.

Barry: “I never said that you were. I just… Dan, you just hear stories and-“

Dan: “I got it under control.”

Under control?

Barry: “Do you promise me?”

Dan: “Yes.”

Arin sprinted back to the kitchen. He couldn’t believe what he just heard. Were they talking about… Drugs? He shook his head. No, this couldn’t be true. Dan wouldn’t… He would never…

‘Junkie’

Arin realized that this was the word Dan didn’t want to say. He didn’t want to believe this. No, not Dan. Was that why he…Almost died that night? He was suddenly angry. How long had he been keeping this as a secret?

Arin heard the door open and for a second he’d let his anger take over. Upon seeing Dan he stood up and just glared at him. He had almost died of an overdose. He had lied to him so often. Now he knew what Dan did in the office’s bathroom.

And he started shaking.

“Arin, are you okay?” Dan asked softly and concerned.

“D-don’t talk to me.”

“Arin…?”

“I SAID DON’T TALK TO ME, YOU… YOU FUCKING JUNKIE!” he almost spat the last word and he could see the shock in Dan’s eyes. Then he saw tears and he had this image of Dan again, full of vomit, painfully wheezing, going limp in his arms…

“Arin, I don’t-“

“I SAW YOU DAN! YOU WERE ON THE GROUND, COVERED IN FUCKING VOMIT AND YOU WOULDN’T STOP WHEEZING!” Arin felt himself hyperventilating “YOU SUDDENLY STOPPED MOVING AND I THOUGHT YOU WERE- I THOUGHT YOU WERE FUCKING DEAD!”

“Arin, please.” Barry tried to step in.

“AND I CRIED ALMOST ALL NIGHT AND I HAVEN’T FUCKING SLEPT SINCE THEN!” He continued. “WANNA KNOW WHY? BECAUSE I WAS TOO BUSY ASKING MYSELF WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU! AND AS IT TURNS OUT, YOU’RE A FUCKING JUNKIE.”

There was a long silence.

“I’m sorry.” Arin said. Dan nodded. “Arin, I’m not on this stuff anymore, I promise. It was a mistake I made once. But I understand, I should’ve told you.”

“Okay Dan, so you can stay here, we’ll get Brian and if you wanna… If you wanna meet up, just call us, okay?” Arin said. “I’m sorry for yelling.”

And the two left, locking the door behind them.

 

After they were gone, Dan sat at the table and cried. Arin’s words had hit him harshly.

“Fuck, if they think I’m a junkie, I’ll fucking let them think that.” Dan said angrily and walked to his bedroom, looking under his bed. He had gotten a proper hiding place for his stuff: A password locked briefcase. He closed his eyes, his dealer had recommended him something, even given him a little test dose. He looked at the syringe in the brief case.

“Damn right, I’m a fucking Junkie.” Dan hissed. “They already think that, I might as fucking well.”

He put some of the powder into a spoon and mixed it with water. Then he heated it up.

“If that’s what they think I am, I’ll fucking show them.” He could feel tears stinging in his eyes. He put a little cotton ball into the liquid and stuck the needle tip into it.

‘I SAW YOU DAN! YOU WERE ON THE GROUND, COVERED IN FUCKING VOMIT AND YOU WOULDN’T STOP WHEEZING!’

Dan twitched, when he remembered Arin’s words. He drew back the plunger slowly and watched as the drug filled it.

‘DON’T TALK TO ME, YOU FUCKING JUNKIE!’

He put the syringe on the table and wrapped a belt around his arm, tightening it and grabbing the lose end with his teeth, so it wouldn’t get in the way.

‘YOU FUCKING JUNKIE!’

He put the needle to his vein.

‘FUCKING JUNKIE!’

His body shook in anticipation.

‘JUNKIE!’

Dan let go of the belt. “I’m… I’m not a junkie.” He went to the bathroom and emptied the syringe. He then sat back onto the bed and put everything back into the briefcase.

“I’m… I’m not a junkie.” He said to himself “I’m not going this far.”

He instead stuck to Cocaine.

“Shit. I just told myself I’m not a… Who… Who even cares at this point?” Dan asked himself.“I could stop tomorrow. Yes. That’s what makes me different.”

Dan smiled widely.

“That’s the difference between me and a Junkie.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Self realisation, is the first step to success

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to my Beta! Comments are appreciated!

Chapter 5

 

Barry, Brian and Arin had decided to meet up in an ice cream parlor, each one of them got a pint of ice cream and they sat on a bench in a park nearby. Brian noticed that there was something going on, Barry and especially Arin were unusually quiet and unresponsive. He guessed that it was the incident with Dan that still hasn’t escaped their minds. But honestly, who wouldn’t be… traumatized by something like this.

“Hey… Do you want to talk about that night?” Brian asked the two concerned. Barry just shrugged, Arin didn’t even answer. Brian pinched the bridge of his nose and added “Guys, we’re gonna have to talk about it eventually. Holly and Ross don’t know. Maybe we should inform them as well.”

“No.” Arin sounded strangely cold and Barry was just poking the ice cream, which was slowly melting into a sticky goop, with his spoon. Brian sighed again. “You should be more cooperative. What if it’s something serious? Maybe Dan got sick and he needs medical attention.”

“Oh trust me, the doctors can’t help Dan.” Arin muttered “And I’m sure he’s not going to help himself either.”

Brian frowned and asked “What do you mean?”

“…Arin, don’t tell him.” Barry sighed.

“What? Why? Brian should know!”

“Dan isn’t here. I don’t think we should tell him, without Dan being okay wi-“

“WHO CARES IF HE’S OKAY WITH IT?” Arin interrupted him angrily. “Dan has a problem, okay? And we need to tell everyone. Maybe we can help him.”

“…” Barry looked at his melted ice cream.

“…What’s wrong with Dan?” Brian asked softly.

No answer.

“What’s wrong with Dan?” Brian asked again, with a more stern expression. Arin looked at Barry, who still looked at his melted ice cream. Then he nodded slowly. Arin took a deep breath.

“Brian, I’ll tell you, but… I don’t want you to judge him. Don’t lose your shit like I did. I yelled at him and I’m regretting it.”

“Okay.”

“Cross your heart?” Arin asked.

Brian groaned “Cross my heart, hope to die, stick a needle in my- Jesus just tell me.”

“Dan’s taking Coke.”

Brian starred at him in disbelief. For a while he couldn’t respond and he took a spoonful of ice cream, before he could say anything. He swallowed hard and then asked “Coke, as  
in…”

“Yes.” Arin sighed. “And he almost died that night, because he overdosed.”

“Shit.” Brian dropped his ice cream pint. “It’s my goddamn fault, Dan and I were at a party a couple of weeks ago and we tried a… tiny bit of coke and I hated it and decided to never do it again… I-I thought Dan would do the same… Jesus Christ.”

“Wait… w-weeks?” Barry asked. “He told me he just did it once… Dan… Dan fucking lied to me.”

“Barry?” Brian asked quietly.

“He’s a junkie after all.” He closed his eyes. “I-I thought Dan… He probably still takes the stuff a-and… Fuck… Fuck!” Barry threw his ice cream pint onto the ground. “I saw his eyes dilated t-today, guys… He t-took it again and I-I ignored it. I didn’t want to believe that Dan…”

“I don’t want to believe it right now.” Brian sighed, looking at his friends. Arin seemed angry at… Dan. Barry seemed shaky and pale. And Brian himself felt… guilty. He should’ve kept an eye on Dan, he should’ve kept him away from that dealer. There were so many ways he could’ve prevented this from happening.

He could’ve just said ‘No’.

And he didn’t.

He could’ve told Dan that they should stay away from the dealer.

And he didn’t.

He could’ve…

“Brian?”

Stopped Dan from snorting that line with him.

“Hey, can you hear me?”

And he didn’t…

“What is it, Arin?” Brian asked, as he snapped out of his thoughts. “I’m sorry I… I just…” he felt a soft hand on his shoulder.

“It’s not your fault, Brian. You couldn’t have known.” Barry tried to comfort him, but Brian shook his head. “I’m sorry, I… Just… I- can I go talk to him? Is he… at home?” he asked. Barry nodded. “He’s still there… What’re you gonna talk to him about?”

“About… You know… I’m gonna try to talk some sense into him.” Brian muttered and stood up. “I’ll be back soon, maybe with Dan.” He made a failed attempt at an uplifting smile. Arin just nodded and Barry looked at the ground.

 

After a few minutes, Brian arrived and knocked. What would he even ask him? What should he say to Dan? He knocked again.

And again.

And again.

He repeated this a few times, when he was getting nervous. Did Dan overdose again?! He started to knock harder, feeling his heart beat faster “Dan?” he asked, his voice cracked with concern as he tried to force the door open.

“DAN!” a desperate scream escaped his throat… He needed to think… There needed to be a replacement key. He tried to sort his thoughts, as he crouched and looked underneath the entry mat.

“Thank god…” he said and opened the door with the second key.

“Dan?” he asked as he walked in. “Where are you?” Brian decided he’d look for him in his bedroom first.

Dan was there… But he had his knees drawn to himself, arms wrapped around them, his eyes were wide open and he seemed paranoid. But what shocked Brian the most was the fact that his arms were full of… scars and there was a knife on the bed.

“D-Dan…?”

“Brian…” his breathing was shallow and shaky. “I don’t know what I d-did… But… I did…” He seemed paranoid “I-I thought… I… o-overdosed and I wanted stay awake and c-cut myself… Brian, I’m scared, I’m scared…”

Brian looked him over… Dan didn’t seem to be dying, it was just a fear, induced by cocaine. He looked at the ground… There were mirror shards stained with blood, luckily he was wearing shoes.

“Dan, can you hear me?”

“B-Brian…” he muttered.

 

“You’re not overdosing. You’re just having a psychosis, courtesy of too much coke.”

“I… snorted… five lines. And then I-I needed mo-more. I overdosed last time, because I-I snorted I don’t know Idontremember.” The last bit was drowned out by tears and weeping. Brian held him softly. “Dan, I’m going to call the ambulance, if you want… If that makes you feel safer.”

“N-No!” Dan shook his head. “Arin’s gonna see me and h-he’s gonna cry and I don’t want this anymore!” he buried his face into Brian’s shoulder “BRIAN! TELL THEM I’M NOT A JUNKIE! I’M NOT A JUNKIE!” he sobbed. “A JUNKIE WOULDN’T WANT TO STOP! I WANT THIS TO STOP! I DON’T WANT TO DIE!” Dan was screaming at this point and the obvious fear in his voice broke Brian’s heart.

“Dan…” Brian patted his back. “You’re not going to die, no. And you’re not a junkie.”

“B-Barry…” Dan said quietly. “I… want to see… B-Barry before I die…”

Brian sighed, Dan believed he was going to die of an overdose. The best thing to do, until the situation calmed down, was to play along.

“Okay… I’m going to call Barry.”

 

Barry’s cell phone rang and he picked it up “Ye-“

Before he could finish his sentence, he heard Brian, sounding rather frantic. “Barry, you need to come here, right now!”

“What, why?” Barry asked concerned. Arin looked at Barry. “Barry wha-“

“Arin, not now! Brian, is Dan overdosing?”

“No… Not exactly. He thinks he’s overdosing and he’s going to die. It’s a delusion, I think it’s called… stimulant induced psychosis.”

Barry almost dropped his phone “Is Dan okay?”

“He thinks he’s dying and he wants to see you.”

“I’ll be there soon.” Barry hung up, nodded and faced Arin. “Arin, I…”

“No, I got it, it’s okay.” He nodded and Barry smiled faintly. “Do you want to come with me?”

“After how I talked to Dan, I think I’m the last person he wants to see.” Arin responded. “Shit, I probably shouldn’t have talked to him like that. I didn’t mean it, I let my anger get the better of me.”

“Arin, this isn’t the right time to think about this. Are you coming with me or not?”

“…Okay.” Arin finally decided and they went back together.

 

Upon arriving, the two went to the bedroom immediately and Barry was shocked at seeing Dan with the scarred arms in a fetal position, repeating ‘I don’t want to die.’ Over and over again, rocking back and forth and barely breathing. His wide open eyes met Barry’s. “B-Barry… Barry I don’t want to die.”

Barry held him in his arms. “You’re not going to die, Dan, I promise you.” He caressed his back. Arin stood there, not saying anything. He seemed still in shock by all those scars on Dan’s arms.

By the knife, that was on the nightstand and the mirror shards on the ground.

Barry felt Dan’s tears on his t-shirt. Even though he knew Dan wasn’t going to die, he still felt incredibly upset about it.

“B-Barry… if I… s-sleep, am I going to die?”

“No, no.” Barry shook his head. “No… No, you won’t die, Dan. You’ll wake up and I’ll make you breakfast.”

“Barry, I’m not a junkie… A junkie… A junkie wouldn’t want this to stop…” Dan said, his voice choked by tears. “No, no, you’re not a junkie Dan…” Barry insisted. “You’re going to  
stop…”

“I want this to stop, Barry.” Dan muttered. Barry kissed him on the temple and muttered “we all do… And we’re gonna help you. You need to sleep now though, okay?”

“I don’t want to d-die…”

“You won’t die… You’re going to wake up.” Barry tried to reassure him. Dan nodded and closed his eyes, lying down. Barry kissed him once again before he covered him with a blanket. He couldn’t help but notice that Dan’s feet were covered in cuts and blood as well, probably from the shards that were on the ground, before Arin had picked them up. He just grabbed the knife to put it back in the kitchen.

 

Barry, Brian and Arin left the room and closed the door.

“Why is all of this happening?” Arin asked, with an oddly emotionless voice. Barry shrugged. “I wish I knew.”

“It’s my entire fault. I didn’t stop him… He just… I…”

“Brian, we already talked about it.” Barry muttered. “Dan chose to have another line. He wanted it. He should’ve said stop.”

“Do you think he’s a junkie?” Arin asked bitter.

Barry glared at him “I…”

“Be honest with yourself.” Brian added.

“…”

Barry thought about it. Presumably, Dan had been doing this for weeks. He had lied to him all this time. He couldn’t get off it.

‘A junkie wouldn’t want this to stop…’

How could he be sure that wasn’t another lie? How could he be sure that any attempts to get clean weren’t just tricks to hide his addiction?  
And he had played along. He had ignored all of the signs, why? Because he didn’t want to believe it. Because he loved him.

“Barry?” Arin put a hand on his shoulder.

“Dan…” Barry looked at the ground and took a deep breath, before whispering “Oh god, Dan is a junkie…”


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The truth hurts sometimes, doesn't it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Credits to my Beta. Comments are appreciated.

Chapter 6

Dan woke up as usual at the usual time. He felt a bit weaker this morning, nothing that a quick fix wouldn’t straighten out. He then heard a knock on the door.  
“Dan, we need to go to the grumps building right now.” Barry had opened the door.

“Barry, couldn’t you wa-“

“No. We need to go right now. It’s important.” Barry seemed insistent. Dan tilted his head. “Barry, whatever’s going on, I’m sure we can resolve it here.”

But Barry shook his head. “You’ll find out, when we get there. Now get dressed.” He just left again.

“Huh.” Dan seemed perplexed. Then he looked at his arms… “Holy shit…” they were covered in cuts. “What in the fuck happened?” He couldn’t remember, he should ask Barry about it. So he put on a shirt, jeans and a sweater to cover his cuts.

 

When he stepped out of the room, he saw Barry already at the door waiting for him. He didn’t say anything, so Dan just walked over to him and the two went outside.  
Dan couldn’t help but notice that Barry seemed a bit on edge the whole way there, a bit too quiet for his taste and obviously concerned. Possibly because of whatever happened yesterday. The two arrived after a while. Dan duly noted in his mind that Barry had said nothing at all. Even now he wasn’t saying anything, he just lead Dan inside to the recording room and he couldn’t believe it; The others had arranged some chairs to form a circle and Holly was clutching a pillow.

“Sit down, Dan.” Barry said and Dan did as demanded of him. He had a bad feeling about this.

“Arin told us.” Holly said, Ross wouldn’t even look at him. Dan wanted to say something, but he was interrupted by Arin. “You’ll get your turn, once you have the pillow.”

“Arin…”

“This is your intervention. And we want you to listen.” Brian said and looked at him with a stern expression.

Dan nodded and watched Holly reach the pillow to Ross.

“Dan.” Ross said. “I can’t believe it. I don’t want to believe it. Why would you do this? Why would you take this shit? Dan, you almost fucking died once, okay? And you kept taking it.” He was shaking a little.“I don’t even know how to react. I don’t even know what to fucking say.” Ross shook his head. “I don’t know if I should be mad at you, or disappointed… I just… don’t know.”

Ross shook his head and gave the pillow to Holly again.

She had to take a few deep breaths. “I… I wasn’t there, when you almost died. Arin told me yesterday. And he told me that you thought you’d die and you cut your arms, to stay afloat afterwards.” Holly just sounded empty. “A-and I don’t know what to say either. It’s news that you can’t just… accept, you know, Dan? You start wondering, why and if maybe you could’ve done something to stop this. And there sadly wasn’t any way I could’ve stopped you. Because I didn’t know. But if I had known, I probably would’ve told you that… You’re better than this and all this other stuff they say in Anti drug PSAs.”

Dan could see her clutching the pillow tighter.

“I never thought about what I’d have to say to you, because I never thought you’d actually start doing something like that… And this needs to stop, okay?” Holly finished and handed the pillow to Brian.

Brian didn’t say anything for a while but then he finally started. “I should’ve stopped you before the situation escalated… Honestly, I shouldn’t have tried this with you either way.” He sighed. “But we did and I thought you’d not get addicted. I thought wrong.”

“Brian it’s not-“ Dan was quickly silenced by Arin.

“And, Dan, I’m sorry that I didn’t stop you. If I had said something, we wouldn’t be here.” Brian finished his little speech and gave the pillow to Suzy. “It’s my turn now… I don’t have anything prepared. Things have been moving too quickly and now we’re here.” She paused and continued. “Dan… I know anything I say has a fifty percent chance of reaching you. And I want you to let me reach you. You… You fucked up, but, I wanna give you a chance, Dan. Get help. And you’re not alone, okay? We’re here for you. That’s all I can say. I’m sorry.”

Dan felt tears in his eyes and a lump in his throat. He was about to cry. He closed his eyes and covered his mouth.

He could hear Suzy passing the pillow to Barry.

“Dan… You lied to me. And I have no idea how oft- Dan fucking look at me.” Barry said angrily. Dan had no other choice than to look at Barry.

“I don’t know how often you lied to me. How often you looked me in the eyes and said ‘I’m fine.’ How often Dan? And… How long have you been doing this? I could’ve kicked you out, but I didn’t. I didn’t because I bought your lies. And… because you know what I think of you. How dear you are to me and how distraught I’d be, if I’d lose you. And because of that I want to ask you: Dan, are you willing to get clean? Are you willing to… stop lying to me?”

Dan looked at the ground.

“I don’t want to hate you Dan.” Barry muttered. “Please, don’t… Don’t disappoint me.”

Dan looked at Barry who shakily passed the pillow to Arin.

And Dan braced himself.

“Dan…” Arin took a deep breath. “Leigh Daniel.”

Dan felt his skin turn cold. Arin never called him by his full name.

“I saw you on the ground, covered in vomit. You know, that image haunts me. Every time I close my eyes, that’s the first thing I see. I haven’t slept since then. Yesterday, I saw you delusional, your arms were covered in cuts, because you thought you’d die. And I felt guilty, because I called you a junkie. But I called you that, because deep down I knew, that… That’s what you are.”

“Arin, I’m not-“

“Leigh Daniel, you are a junkie. You’re addicted to coke. Please don’t try to deny it. I held you, while your body was going limp. Barry cleaned up the puke you almost choked on. There was blood as well. You punched a mirror, remember? I held your hand, while you were hooked up to all those machines and I had no idea, whether you’d make it or not. I didn’t want to sleep, because I thought I’d lose you. The doctors had to give me meds, so I wouldn’t cry all night and keep other patients awake.”

“…”

“Do you understand how serious this? You almost died. And the worst part is, you’re still taking it. Do you actually want to kill yourself?”

Dan looked at the ground. He couldn’t stand the look Arin gave him. 

“LOOK AT ME!” Arin cried out. “Look at me, okay? I want you to look at me.”

Dan looked up.

“I called you a fucking junkie, I yelled at you, because I wanted it to be your wake up call. But it obviously didn’t work. This is your second wake up call. You need to stop doing this.”

Everyone seemed on edge, some more obviously than others. Ross didn’t want to look at him, Brian seemed to feel guilty, Holly was clutching Ross’ hand, Suzy just kept starring at Arin and Barry looked at him with pleading eyes.

“We… We signed you up for a support group. Every Sunday. We’ll come with you, every Sunday someone else will be with you.” Arin reached him the pillow. “It’s your turn, Leigh Daniel.”

Dan clutched it tightly and looked into the round. What was he supposed to say? He thought for a while.

“I… I understand that I’m a disappointment to you.” Dan started. “That I did something you didn’t expect of me. And you all probably think that I should know better. Ross, Holly… I’m sorry that you two were left clueless. Brian, I’m sorry that you’re feeling guilty, please know that none of this is your fault. I… I decided to go down this road; I wanted to take more… If anything, I should be the one feeling guilty.”

He gulped, his mouth felt so incredibly dry.

“Suzy, I appreciate you trying to break through to me. You didn’t know about this either and… So I understand that you have nothing to say. But… you probably did break through   
to me, because I’m close to bursting into tears.”

The next two parts would be difficult to him.

“Barry… I don’t know how much my words mean to you at this point. Yes, you’re right; I lied to you… I’ve been lying to you for weeks… B-but I hope you understand… why…” His voice cracked. “I didn’t want you to know what I was doing and y-you meant too much to me, I couldn’t let you know.”

Dan realized that he sounded like a dick, at this precise moment.

“And Barry… I’m glad you don’t hate me… I’m glad you still want to help me, even after all these mistakes I made. And y-you’re dear to me… And I don’t want you to hate me…”

‘Because I love you.’ He thought.

“Arin… You called me by my full name. You never do that… And I’m sorry you had to see me like that. You know, it’s sad… But when I woke up, the first thing I thought about was… More coke. I wanted to take more, even though I was holding you, crying, in my arms… I should’ve known that I have a problem at this point… But I just wanted more. Because I’m…”

Everyone looked at him.

“Because I’m a junkie. B-but… I want this to stop. I want things to be normal again. I’m sorry. I’ll go to those meetings… Because you, all of you, are my friends. And I’m hurting you as well.”

He buried his face in the pillow, finally allowing his tears to escape.

Then he felt a soft hand on his shoulder and he heard Barry’s voice

“I-I knew you wouldn’t disappoint me, Leigh Daniel. We can do this together.”

Dan could feel hands underneath his chin and he looked up to Barry, who was smiling at him. Weak but genuine.

“We can fix this together. I promise.” He hugged him and Dan could feel himself blushing.

‘I’ll get clean.’ Dan thought. ‘I’ll do it for them… I’ll do it for him.’

Dan smiled determined.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What's the best way to deal with the truth? Create a rift, of course!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to my Beta! Comments are appreciated!

Chapter 7

Dan had decided to do another recording session… But he could barely focus. His mind was constantly wandering off.

‘What are you doing to us? Dan, you know we need this! Dan! Come on.’

He couldn’t do it… He wouldn’t lie to Barry, not again. Not after what they said to him, he couldn’t do that to him.

‘Do you really think you’ll pull it off? You’re weak, Dan. You don’t have it under control. We do. Please, we’re begging you!’

He wouldn’t listen to the craving thoughts, he was the one in control. And if he managed to get clean, it’d all be better. He still had a chance, he could win this. He felt a cold shudder and he for some reason, imagined that it was the craving who had taken on a physical form that was softly caressing him.

‘Please, I need more. Feed me…’

It’d be so easy…

‘Danny, please…’  
Just to ask Arin, if he could go to the bathroom. Just a line. Just one last line, he could stop afterwards…

No.

These are the thoughts that would hinder his path of becoming a clean man. He’s gonna sort himself out. For all those people who mean something to him. Even if some were a bit… angry at him. Especially Ross.

Ross hasn’t spoken to him since the intervention and it was already evening. In a way he could understand… He’d probably be angry too- But still. Dan would try to talk to him, after this last session.

“Alright, next time on Game Grumps, I’ll sing the entirety of fucking… Bohemian Rhapsody.” Arin announced.

“Yes, and then we’ll lose the channel, due to copyright claim.” Dan joked. “So we probably won’t be seeing each other again! Bye!”

The two stood up from the couch and Arin smiled at Dan. “Leigh, listen… I’m proud that you’re gonna try to get clean. Have I told you that yet?”

Dan shook his head, a bit confused on why Arin called him ‘Leigh’ and not Dan. “No. But, thanks… I have to talk to Ross. He’s been so cold to everyone today. Not just to me.” He sighed.

Arin patted his back. “That’s probably just how he deals with this. Don’t worry, he doesn’t hate you.”

“Are you sure? He wouldn’t even look at me today. I mean, I understand why he’d be so angry at me after finding this out, but… Still.” Dan smiled. “At least Barry isn’t angry at me.”

“You love him, don’t you?”

Dan smiled as he didn’t know how to answer and looked at the ground.

“That’s a yes.” Arin said and Dan could recognize a hint of amusement. Maybe he was just imagining it. Hopefully. He then saw Ross walking by and said “Uhm, I’ll be right back.” 

Dan could see Ross drinking a cup of coffee in the little kitchen they had in the building.

“Hey Ross.”

“Hi.” Ross continued drinking nonchalantly.

“Ross, are you angry at me?” Dan would ask him directly.

“…” he continued drinking.

“Ross?” Dan wanted to put a hand on his shoulder, but Ross moved away.

“I need some space from you. All this stuff… You know. It’s a lot too swallow. Holly’s miserable too, so… You know? You can’t expect us to just be all hunky dory because you said ‘sorry’. You don’t seem to understand just how hard this hit everyone.”

“I do understand. And I felt horrible for it and-“

“Sure.” Ross put the cup in the sink and walked past him, not even glancing at him. Dan looked at the counter.

Yep.

Ross hated him. He didn’t even blame him, to be honest. He wouldn’t blame him. After all, every time he had seen his own reflection in the last few weeks, he felt this overwhelming disgust and self loathing that came with his addiction. He still does, honestly. But he wished that Ross would at least tell him. Maybe he should talk to someone. Was Barry still here? He should be. Dan fidgeted with his hands slightly, as soon as he saw Barry.

“Hey B.”

“Leigh.” Barry turned around, away from the screens. “Hey… It’s been a rough few weeks, huh?”

“Yeah, I’d say so… It’s been really difficult and… Wait, you’re doing it too.”

“Doing what?”

“You called me Leigh. Why? You usually call me Dan.”

“I’m sorry, it’s just… If we call you Dan we’re gonna associate your name with those rough times. So we agreed that after the intervention we’d just call you Leigh, until you’re clean.”

“Oh.” Dan felt a stinging in his heart. “Makes sense I guess.”

‘Those bastards. Do you really want to get clean for these people? They only care about the show’s image, they don’t care about you.’

“Do you want to eat with us?” Barry asked.

Dan looked at him and narrowed his eyes. “Are you asking Dan or Leigh?” he nearly spat.

Barry stood up. “I’m sorry, you have to understand what we’re going through. This is difficult for all of us, okay? Not just you.” He explained. Dan nodded, but didn’t say anything. He felt those cravings and he needed more.

‘Is it really worth it, Dan? Or should I say Leigh? Do you want to get clean for these people? They won’t even use your usual name, for some bullshit reason.’

Dan knew it was the anger speaking, but he couldn’t help but agree with it… To some degree this voice… His thoughts, were right, they seemingly only cared about their own feelings. Or maybe his mind was twisting the intentions around, so he’d take more.

“Leigh, please…”

“Barry, I’ll be fine. I just gotta… I just…” Fuck. “It feels like my whole body is shaking.”

“I believe in you, Leigh. Please don’t do anything stupid.”

“Whatever. I’ll see if I can talk to someone else.” Dan stepped away from him and walked towards Suzy.

“Hey.”

“Hey…” Suzy sounded rather sad. “I’m sorry… The whole Leigh thing was mine and Holly’s idea. If you wanna get mad at someone, then yell at me.”

“I’m not mad.” Dan lied.

‘We’re fucking furious, aren’t we, Dan? We want them to stop, don’t we?!’

Dan bit his thumbnail.

“You know, Suzy… Making me feel like I’m not your friend anymore isn’t gonna help me. That’s all. I’m just… maybe I’m mad.”

“You’re in no fucking position to be angry.” Came Holly’s voice. “You’re lucky we haven’t kicked you out of the group yet.” She sounded angry.

Dan nodded.

“Well thanks. You know what? I’m gonna go home. I’m tired.”

“You’re not going anywhere, Leigh. At least not alone. Barry’s coming with you, to-“

“To babysit me, Arin?”

“No, to supervise you.” Arin responded.

Supervise.

“I don’t need any supervisors.” Dan muttered darkly and he saw Ross, glancing, finally making eye contact. “I’ll believe that, when you stop shaking.”

Dan didn’t notice that he’s been shaking like crazy all this time. Those were the cravings that he had, his body needed more, or else it’d crash. And he hadn’t noticed until now… How pathetic. He just stepped out of the door.

He had to get home, right now.

 

‘It’s okay Dan. One more line, you don’t have to worry… Just a bit more and we’ll stop shaking…’

“St-stop shaking.” He grinned. “That’s… g-good… I can’t wait.”

‘Yes…’

“I promised them to get clean… I can’t do this.”

He could feel himself shaking stronger and he knew that he couldn’t. He couldn’t even go a whole day without it. He couldn’t get clean, he wasn’t strong enough.

“I wanted to do this for Barry.” He muttered. “Shit, I wanted him to be proud of me… What the hell am I doing?”

Upon arriving at home, he opened his suitcase.

‘It’s okay.’

“Just… Just a bit… Just one line, it won’t hurt.”

He prepared the lines on the bedside table, since he didn’t have his little hand mirror. He kneeled in front of it and closed his eyes.

Come on.

He needed this. He wanted the shaking to stop.

Dan felt a pair of arm wrapping themselves around him and he opened his eyes: It was Barry, who was holding him and pulling him away from the table.

“Barry… I-I almost…”

“I know. But y-you hesitated, so that means something, right?” he muttered.

“I-I’m tired.” Dan said. “I can’t even go one day without this stuff, how the hell am I supposed to get clean? Why aren’t you giving up on me?”

“Because I love you.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's always important to check up on how everyone is doing...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Credits to me beta. Comments are appreciated!

Chapter 8

Ross stared into the sink, after he had cleaned the cup he drank coffee from. He wasn’t angry at Dan… He honestly didn’t feel anything at all. He didn’t want to feel anything, he couldn’t. Ross could force himself to cry, but he wouldn’t. because honestly…

Something told him, it wasn’t worth it. That he’d just let them down. But he didn’t hate him. He just felt nothing, nothing at all. He just wanted more coffee, maybe just lie down, and maybe just stare off into nothingness.

He could feel a hand on his shoulder.

“Hey Ross.” Holly said and tried to smile, but she obviously couldn’t.

Ross tilted his head. “Maybe I shouldn’t have been so cold. But he’s not… He’s not gonna listen to me.” Ross looked at the ground. “He’s not gonna listen to anyone.”

“I believe in Leigh.” Holly just said, trying to cheer him up. “Why don’t you?”

Ross shrugged. “Honestly, I don’t know. I just can’t… I’m not sure what to feel. So I’ll just… I’ll just try to move on, until Leigh is clean.”

“…” Holly closed her eyes and took a deep breath, before opening them again. “Wow. That was the most dickish thing you’ve said in quite a while. Your friend needs you and you just detach yourself from this, because… reasons.”

“Oh yeah, he’s totally your friend. I can tell by how you keep calling him Leigh.” Ross retorted. “Besides, I don’t want to be friends with a junkie.”

“He’s sti-“

“No. He’s an addict. He’s gonna be himself again, once he’s clean. I mean, didn’t you hear what he did? How he lied to Barry and Arin… And to all of us? He wouldn’t do something like that. An addict would, because that’s what he is. Just… Just to make it clear: Leigh is the addict… Dan is the guy I used to know and used to want around me.”

“…”

“I’m angry at Leigh for lying to us all this time. Do you finally get it?” Ross never once sounded angry or… disappointed. He was deadpan, emotionless even.

“Brian is still blaming himself, isn’t he?” Ross asked, wanting to change the subject. “I kind of think he… should. Brian did nothing to prevent this, right?”

“Ross, how could you say that!” Holly asked. “Why are you being a dick? Just what is wrong with you?!”

“We can try to ignore the obvious things.” Ross shrugged.

“Fine, you wanna point at people and try to blame them for things? You’re partially to blame as well! Do you think I forgot what you told me a while ago? That you saw Leigh with dilated pupils and how you noticed he was acting strange.”

Ross looked away.

“You knew didn’t you?!”

Ross made himself another cup of coffee.

“ROSS! YOU FUCKING KNEW! HOW LONG DID YOU KNOW?”

“He promised me, he’d stop.”

“How long have you known?”

“A few weeks.” Ross stared at the coffee machine. “Before he overdosed.”

“Oh my god.” Holly glared at him. “I-I can’t believe this. Why didn’t you try to stop him, Ross? You could’ve said something!”

“I tried, but he didn’t listen to me-“

“Why didn’t you try harder?”

“Holly, I’m sorry I didn’t try my best. Next time I’ll try again. And he asked me not to tell anyone. So I didn’t because he was my friend.” With that he grabbed his cup and walked away from her, from the conversation and the accusing glares of her.

 

Dan couldn’t stop shaking, as he was lying next to Barry. He needed more. He didn’t think it’d be this… awful. He felt anxious, he felt so drained and scared. He just wanted to feel better. But when he tried to stand up, Barry would hold him down. Possibly for the best.

Dan couldn’t help but think back to the intervention… Ross had said he didn’t know and Dan knew that was a lie. Ross had known. He had seen him come out of the bathroom with dilated pupils. So Dan wondered: Why did Ross lie to everyone?

Maybe he didn’t want to feel guilty like Brian. Because he had known, but not done anything about it. Maybe Ross’ guilt would have been different, because Brian didn’t know it’d turn into an addiction. But Ross knew what he was taking.

Maybe that’s why he acted so cold: Guilt. Because he had known.

Dan tried to stand up again, but to no avail. Barry had a strong grip on him.

“Barry, I’m sorry. But I need to pee.” Dan whispered and he could feel Barry’s grip on him softening. Dan stood up and walked to the bathroom. He still shook all the way there.  
Dan looked at himself in the mirror… Pale and even skinnier than he used to. When was the last time he had eaten? He looked at his arms, that were still full of cuts. He needed distraction. How should he distract himself? He could forget about sleeping, he was too awake for that.

He sat onto the toilet seat and covered his face. He could resist the urges… Barry was here, he couldn’t do this to him. He didn’t want to do this to him. But the more he waited, the worse it got. How was he supposed to clean himself, like that?

He couldn’t.

He might as well just give up.

He might as well just-

“Dan, are you okay?”

He could hear Barry’s voice through the door. Just how long had he been in here anyway?

“B-Barry… You called me…”

“I know… This whole thing’s bullshit. How is it gonna help you, if we act like you’re a different person?” Barry responded as he opened the door.  
And Dan reminded himself why he was even trying to be clean. The reason stood in front of him, wearing pajamas

Barry.

“Thanks for… you know, calling me Dan. It kind of hurts, you know being treated like I’m some stranger. At least I still got you.”

“You still got everyone, what do you mean?” Barry tilted his head and Dan just couldn’t help but look downwards. “I think they’re angry at me. And that’s why they’re calling me Leigh.”

“That’s not true… They’re calling you that ‘cause…”

“You said something with association.”

“And maybe they don’t want to accept that everyone fucks up. You fucked up, but you’re still you… I hope.”

Dan sighed. “You know, people often say that you change when you’re addicted… Maybe that’s why they’re calling me Leigh. They give the addict a name, so they can be mad at him…”

“I think you’re right.” Barry put a hand on his shoulder. “Though it isn’t really gonna help anyone, if they keep doing that shit. I mean, you said you were sorry and that you’d get clean, so really that’s Dan speaking and not Leigh.”

Dan stood up. “Thanks, I… I needed to hear that.”

“No problem.” Barry took his hand and kissed it softly. “And before you say anything, I knew you were lying about going to pee. So no, this isn’t gross.”

“How would you know, huh, B?” Dan chuckled. “Unless you can read minds, that is!”

“You know, I work in the most mysterious of ways.”

The two went back to bed and Dan was still shaking. But at least Barry was with him. So he wouldn’t break his promise. Or at least he hoped. Was he strong enough? He really did think that he wasn’t, but then he remembered that Barry was with him.

Maybe it’s a bit cliché, the whole ‘Power of love’ thing… But honestly, that was Dan’s main motivation: The fear that Barry would hate him, if he’d continue taking it… If he’d continue to lie to him.

‘No more lies.’ He thought to himself. ‘For Barry.’

And then he wondered… Was Arin okay?

Hopefully.

 

Arin looked at his alarm clock: two in the morning. By god was he tired, but he couldn’t sleep, maybe just… a little snack would help him. Arin got out of bed and lazily walked to the kitchen, yawning a little. It was really dark, but he didn’t want to turn on the light and potentially wake up Suzy.

Opening the fridge sent a slight shiver down his spine, the room got colder and the bright light from the inside made him squint. What would he take? Maybe just some milk. Arin got out the milk and left the fridge door open, so he could see.

He poured himself a glass of milk… Yes, some warm milk would help him. He should just turn off the microwave, before the beeping started, again, he didn’t want to wake up Suzy. After setting the time and temperature he pressed start. He then continued to search for something to eat…

“Mh, nothing.” He shook his head. He closed the fridge and it was dark once again.

“Goddammit… Maybe I should’ve turned on a light.” He muttered to himself slightly absentminded. Then he heard something.

Beep… Beep.

A fast beeping.

He could feel his mouth turning dry, his whole body tensing up and him clenching his hands, as if he was holding something.

Beep… Beep…

The fridge in the dark seemed to turn into an ambulance door, the microwave that wouldn’t stop beeping turned into a heart monitor that was beeping faster and faster. His body shook, as the beeping turned faster in his mind, distorted and changed pitch in his own memory. He could feel cold sweat on his forehead.

He could hear coughing as well.

Violent painful wheezes, Dan was going limp, while the paramedics tried to save him.

Arin felt sick, as he rubbed his eyes and brought himself back to reality

He turned off the microwave and got out the milk. He needed it, his mouth just felt so dry… His hands were too shaky though and he dropped it. And in the dark, this puddle of   
milk looked like puke.

He had to splash some water onto his face, he needed to get those thoughts out of his mind. He slowly walked to the bathroom, he opened the door and turned on the lights. His eyes suddenly widened…

His bathroom floor was stained with vomit, there were shards of mirror on it and little stains of blood.

“SUZY!” He cried out, he needed someone with him right now. “SUZY!”

And then he felt arms wrap around him and someone shouting. “Arin! Are you okay?!”

Arin didn’t want to look at this mess anymore and he just hugged Suzy.

“It… won’t stop… It w-won’t go away…” Arin said shaky. Suzy hummed a little, in a vain attempt to calm him down.

“Suzy… P-please make it stop… I d-don’t want to see this anymore!”

“It’s… gonna be okay.” Suzy promised. “Breathe, it’s gonna be okay.” She continued.

Arin closed his eyes, but he didn’t see any images flashing.

“It’s gonna be okay…” he repeated.

Though something told him, that it wouldn’t be okay…


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brian is stuck in a state of what if and you could have. He's not the only one having issues though... Mayn truths come out at five in the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Credits to my Beta. Comments are appreciated.

Chapter 9

Five in the morning and Brian couldn’t sleep. Seemed like he’d pull another all-nighter. He was sitting on the couch and felt much more vulnerable than he should. This haunting feeling of guilt was relentless, it just didn’t want to leave him be and it turned into anxiety that started to crawl inside his body, piercing him with invisible needles and making it unable for him to sleep. He could’ve stopped all of this from happening. Everything. It was all in his power to stop Dan.

His cell phone vibrated and he checked it: A text message from Ross.

[Text from ‘goddamnit ross’]: hey brian whats up?

[Reply from ‘Ninja Brian’]: cant sleep either??

[Text from ‘godammnit ross’]: nah :/ how are you? im still feeling a bit weird bc of him tbh.

[reply from ‘Ninja Brian’]: i feel guilty, mostly. i could hve said something, you know?

Brian sighed and waited for a reply.

[Text from ‘goddamnit ross’]: me too. i know how ur feeling right now… i guess i should tell u about… something. I actually knew about him, but i didnt do anything. and now im regretting it.

[reply from ‘Ninja Brian’]: you fucking knew

[Text from ‘goddamnit ross’]: im sorry but i thought id tell u so u would feel less guilty, bc u didn’t stop him and I didn’t stop him either so here we are. Im sorry. We cool?

[Reply from Ninja Brian]: fuck, call me ok? like asap.

[Text from ‘goddamnit ross’] its five in the morning

[Reply from Ninja Brian]: idgaf. CALL ME.

Brian’s cell phone started ringing and he picked it up.

“Hey Ross. So… What happened?” it came out angrier than he intended.

“Look, I’m sorry I haven’t told you, but… Look. Look Brian… I-I’m sorry, yeah. It was one day, I saw him get out the bathroom and his pupils were dilated, so I asked him what he’s on, just for shits and giggles. He asked me not to tell anyone, so I didn’t. It’s as simple as that.”

“I see. Did he tell you what he was on?”

“…Yes.”

“So you knew what he was on and you didn’t tell anyone, because…” Brian was getting agitated.

“He almost got on his knees, begging me not to tell anyone. How should I react? I know I… I shouldn’t have fallen for his blatant guilt tripping, but… He was my friend.”

“Was?”

“I know I shouldn’t say ‘was’ but… I’m not sure if I wanna be his friend… I thought about it, but… Until he’s not clean, I don’t think I can.” Ross paused. “I know I know… That sounds selfish, but… I just can’t cope with all of this.”

“It hit you harder than I thought.” Brian stood up and looked out of the window. He noticed that it was raining. It perfectly fit his mood at the moment.

“Oh? What do you mean?”

Brian took a deep breath. “You been acting so cold towards him, so I thought you didn’t care. I mean you’re not even using his name. Neither Leigh nor… You know.” He shrugged. 

“That’s all.”

“I’m just a human too, Brian. That’s too much for me to handle, so I just… switched off. You know? I care so much, I… needed to turn off my emotions.” Ross chuckled weakly. 

“Makes no sense, it?”

“Go to sleep Ross. It’s five in the morning.” Brian sighed. “But thanks. Now I know I’m not the only one who fucked up.”

“I fucked up too.” Ross agreed. “I really did. Good night.”

“Good night.” Brian hung up the phone and continued Staring out of the window. The water splashing against the glass had an oddly calming effect on him. It seemed to give him something to think about, something that didn’t have to do with Leigh.

“Dan.” Brian sighed. This rule that Holly and Suzy made was rather draining to him. Being forced to distance himself from his friend, he wasn’t even sure if it’d help. Dan needed them, not Leigh. That’s when it hit him.

How could she?

Brian grabbed his cell phone and started typing a message

[Message to ‘Suzy’] i cant believe this, are you trying to guiltrip him? What youre doing is close to emotional abuse. No what youre doing IS emotional abuse, because youre isolating him from everyone.! Is that a punishment for him? I know he has a problem, but thats not what we should do! He needs our help, he needs to know that were still his friends. And if we distance ourselves from him, hell think hes alone and wont stop. Please suz we need to stop with that okay?

He deleted the message.

She’s not gonna listen to him, no matter what he does or says. Nobody will listen to him. They knew, after all, that he could’ve stopped it. Suzy would probably ask him ‘Then why didn’t you stop him? We wouldn’t be here then.’

She’d just turn it around and make him seem like the bad guy.

Maybe he should try again. Maybe he should text Dan.

[Text to: ‘Sexybang dan’] just so you know, were still friends.

Brian deleted this message as well. It wouldn’t make a difference. He would just think it’s a lie. Just a message out of pity, why else?

Brian just put his phone to charge and turned on the TV, keeping it quiet, just loud enough to hear it. It’s not like there was anything important anyway. Just infomercials and reruns of NCIS. Nothing he may want to watch.

Still, he needed to be distracted, just for a bit, to forget the guilt.

So many messages he wanted to send.

And he wondered why he didn’t do it. He could’ve said something. He could’ve…

Fuck, was he cursed to be in this state of ‘could have’?

Apparently so.

Maybe he should write to Dan after all.

[Message to: ‘sexybang dan’]: Hey just so you know, we’re still friends :)

No, he’d take away the smiley, or Dan would think he wasn’t being serious.

[Message to: ‘sexybang dan’]: Hey, just so you know, you’re still Dan to me.

He deleted the message. Nothing sounded right to him, nothing would make up for what Suzy and Holly were doing.

Or for the fact that he was blindly going along and not standing up for his friend.

Or for the fact that he didn’t stop Dan when he had the chance to.

And here he was again, with the guilt: He had gone full circle.

His phone vibrated again, this time it was Arin.

[Text from ‘egoraptor’]: brian I know its 5am but I need someone to talk to please tell me your there.

[reply from ‘Ninja Brian’]: im here. Whats wrong?

[Text from ‘egoraptor’]: its thos fucking flashbacks. I just cant, you know? Wait ill call u, that’s easier to explain that way.

As soon as Arin called, Brian picked up.

And suddenly he was tempted to tell Arin about Ross.

“Brian, I’m sorry for waking you up…”

“Hey. No problem. I couldn’t sleep anyway.” Brian sighed and lied onto the couch. “No damage done. You wanna talk?”

“You’re the only one I could tell.”

“How come?” Brian sat up again, to get comfortable.

“You’re the only one not sleeping right now. Well, it’s gonna sound weird but… I think I have… PTSD. And I wanted to talk to you about it ‘cause you-“

“Look, just because I have a PHD, doesn’t mean I can act like a psychologist.” Brian scoffed. He could hear Arin chuckling a bit sheepish. “I know, but… Maybe you can like, Google it for me.”

“Do it yourself, Arin.”

“Dude, I don’t want Suzy to know. So I want you to… You know?”

“You let Suzy know about the porn you watch, but you don’t wanna tell her, that you may have PTSD and also: why don’t you just delete your browser history?” Brian pointed out. 

There was awkward silence from Arin’s side.

“I know. But you don’t understand… Porn and Mental Illnesses are different beasts, you know? And…That’s not the issue. I just wanna talk to someone about it too. Someone who’s not Suzy.”

“Let’s not discuss it any further, it’s five in the morning. Just tell me what you experience and I’ll type it into Google for you.”

“Okay so-“

“Hang on, let me get to my computer first.” Brian stood up and walked to his computer. After he turned it on and got on Google he nodded, even if Arin couldn’t see him, and said 

“Right, so… I’ll just be a wannabe shrink. Tell me.”

“I have… Flashbacks.” Arin started. Brian typed it in and muttered “Okay.”

“Sometimes they come out of nowhere, sometimes they’re… I don’t wanna use that word.”

“Triggered?”

“Yeah. Triggered.” Arin sighed. “They’re triggered by something… Like the beeping of the microwave. It reminded me of a heart monitor and I… thought of, you know?”

“Okay, specific triggers.” Brian typed it in. “Anything else?”

“I can’t sleep, I get anxious when I try, because I see… You know what I see, right?”

“Him.”

“Exactly.” Arin paused and Brian could hear him take a deep breath. “And that wheezing, the puke. Fuck, I’m thinking about it again.”

“Okay, so I can put anxiety on the list.” Brian typed it in. “Anything else.”

“Not much so far.” Arin responded. “Guilt. Because I didn’t stop him.”

“I understand how you feel. Your brain keeps making up ‘What ifs’ or ‘you could have’ scenarios, doesn’t it?”

“It does.”

Brian pressed enter and his eyes widened a bit. “Arin, you might wanna talk to an actual psychiatrist. You may have PTSD. I can’t really judge it by just googling it, but… You should get that checked out.”

“Thanks.” Arin responded and neither of them said anything for a while.

“Why don’t you want to tell Suzy?” Brian asked.

“She’s gonna get angry at him. She’s gonna blame him for traumatizing me. I’ve been trying to keep it a secret, I think I’m succeeding so far.” Arin explained. Brian sighed. 

“You can’t keep it a secret forever. She’s gonna find out.”

“I know. But for the time being… She won’t find out. She’s already on the edge of hating him. So, I think finding this out will definitely make her hate him.”

“You’re avoiding his name too.”

“I know.” Silence. “We all are. And I feel terrible about it, but… Maybe it’ll help.”

“It won’t. But… I don’t think I’m in a position to say anything.” Brian turned off his computer.

“Well, I need to… hang up.” Arin muttered.

“Sure.” And everything Brian heard was the phone beeping. He turned it off as well, he just wanted to be alone. He searched the kitchen until he found what he wanted: A bottle of wine.

A friend told him, wine helps you sleep. Maybe he was right.

And Brian poured himself a glass.

He was tired.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Every first step is difficult, isn't it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Credits to my Beta. Comments are appreciated.

Chapter 10

It was Sunday and today was Dan’s first meeting at the support group. And he was nervous, the only comfort was the fact that Barry was gonna go with him the first time and he would be holding his hand.

He just stared blankly out of the window, not saying anything, until Barry snapped him out of his thoughts.

“Are you excited?”

“About as excited as I can be.” Dan responded. “I’m a bit scared. They’re not gonna judge me, are they?”

“All those people there are going through the same thing as you, so I doubt anyone’s gonna judge you.” Barry patted him on the back and smiled encouragingly 

“Dan.”

Dan felt so empty, so tired. It must be the withdrawal. He was downright depressed, he didn’t even want to get up this morning. His cereal tasted like cardboard and the world’s colors seemed to be dimmed down, muddy and dull. He himself was just numb.  
But Barry’s encouraging smile seemed to brighten his day and reminded him why he was here in the first place. And he took Barry’s hand and clutched it, as if his life depended on it.

“Yeah, I’m not gonna be judged.”

“And if they’re gonna judge you, I’m gonna fight them for you, alright?” Barry joked and Dan actually laughed a little. They arrived soon enough and entered the building. It smelled a bit like a hospital, but that didn’t bother Dan too much. If anything it comforted him a little, for some reason. He knew it wasn’t gonna be a dirty and disgusting place.

“We’re a few minutes too early.” Barry noted and Dan nodded. “It seems so. We should probably just wait.”

“Right, I’ll go to the reception and tell them we’ve arrived for the group.” Barry walked away and Dan sat on the nearest chair in the waiting room when his phone vibrated.

[Text from ‘Arin handsome’]: Today’s your first meeting! Proud of you man <3!

Another message.

[Text from ‘Has a P(retty)H(uge)D(ick)’]: Im hope everything gos well. Srry for spelling im hungover lmao. But srsly: just the best hopes for you, I want my old sexbang back after all!

[Text from ‘fucking damn you ross’]: Hey, I know you can do it! Today’s the first step to being your old self again!

Dan bit his lips. It was all so meaningful to him… They still believed in him, even after what happened, even after all those lies.

[Text from ‘birb woman’]: Good morning! I hope the meeting goes great and you get back on the right path. Can’t wait to see the sober old Dan again!

[Text from ‘SuSuSuzy’]: Good luck! Tell me how it went on Monday!

Dan couldn’t hold back his tears. Barry was right, they didn’t hate him, they still believed in him. He’d do this for his friends, they were all behind him, and they’d support him.  
He was stronger than his addiction and if he thought he wasn’t, they’d remind him, he could stand up against it. Barry put a hand on his shoulder. “Hey, it’s time.”  
The two entered the room and sat on two chairs. More people entered, from multiple stages of life: From teenagers to middle aged people, from different social classes. Dan didn’t want to make eye contact, he was still too scared of being judged. His gaze then rested upon the instructor.

“Okay, we have a new face today. Why don’t you present yourself?”

Dan stood up and took a deep breath. Barry was nodding.

“I’m… Leigh Daniel Avidan. I’ve been addicted to cocaine for a few weeks now and it almost cost me my life and my friends. I want to get clean, because I don’t want to lose my friends… I just want things to be normal again.”

The instructor nodded.

“And… I regret that I even started. I just tried a bit and it escalated. But I want to better myself, I want to be… my old self again. The guy before the addiction. I want to be… Dan again.” And with that Dan sat down again and Barry smiled proudly at him. Dan smiled back too. That was the very first step.

But there was a feeling of relief. He… did it. He thought he couldn’t, he thought it’d be too difficult, but he actually did it. He held Barry’s hand again and smiled again, this time a bit more visible.

 

After the meeting, Dan and Barry had decided to go to a pizzeria for lunch.

“You did great, Dan.” Barry said, as he ate. Dan nodded a bit. Even with all the pride he felt, he still was suffering under the withdrawal. He just felt so motionless, he just wanted to lie down and not do anything, out of fear he may collapse from exhaustion.

But it was all in his mind.

Well, not really. The withdrawal effect was real, his body needed more of the stuff. But he’d be back to normal one day, if he could resist taking it.

“B, we need to get rid of the leftover stuff. I may relapse otherwise.” Dan muttered. Barry nodded and said “Right, noted. Once we get home, we’ll take care of it, alright?”

“Alright. I still can’t believe it, I mean… I’m finally doing the sensible thing. It feels like it was yesterday when I overdosed. It really took me almost dying to finally realize what I’m doing to myself.” Dan didn’t seem all that hungry anymore. He just put the half eaten slice back on the plate.

“God, am I tired.” Dan shook his head. “I gotta go to the bathroom and splash some water onto my face, or I’ll collapse otherwise.”

“Go ahead, Dude. I’ll wait right here.”

 

Dan turned on the faucet in the public restroom and splashed ice cold water on his face. He didn’t want to break down in front of Barry, he didn’t want him to see just how miserable he actually was. How tired he felt.

To the point where he’d willingly take more, not even caring what the others thought of him at this point. It felt like he was stuck in a void, that only cocaine could get him out of. He absentmindedly started scratching his arm.

Oh, how he needed more, to make this numb feeling go away. He was trembling slightly, he knew it’d be difficult, but not this difficult. He couldn’t do this, he wanted to give up. 

Dan let out a shaky breath and felt sick all of a sudden.

These fucking mood swings would be the death of him.

He threw up and immediately flushed and sat on the seat.

“I’m sorry.” He muttered to no one but himself. He noticed blood on his arm. How long had he scratched? Apparently to the point where he was bleeding. “I’m not strong enough   
for you. I’m not strong enough for anyone.”

But it’s been only one day, he shouldn’t give up just yet.

He stood up and went back to the sink, to clean off the little wound.

“I won’t give up.” He forced himself to say to his sickly reflection. “They haven’t given up on you yet, so don’t give up either.”

He walked back to the table and continued eating, even if he had no appetite.

“Shit, what happened to your arm?” Barry asked concerned. Dan just shrugged. “I hit it on the door.” He explained and looked at his half eaten pizza. He had promised himself he wouldn’t lie to Barry anymore.

That lasted long, didn’t it?

That’s because he wasn’t strong enough.

Even if he did his best.

Barry then spoke those magical words “Hey, let’s go home. We’ll just play video games the rest of the day.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He's doing it for them... No... He's really doing it for him...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Credits to my Beta. Comments are appreciated.

Dan had difficulties waking up this morning. He felt like he had hit such a low point by simply opening his eyes. And he couldn’t even do anything, he and Barry had gotten rid of everything drug related on Sunday.

Today was Monday, another week to get through until he could report to the group on Sunday. And he didn’t even want to get up. But slowly, Dan forced himself to, even if he was tired, even if he felt empty and numb.

He’d do today’s sessions.

Barry was up already and he smiled at him when he walked into the kitchen.

“Morning. You want something to eat?”

“No, I’ll be fine.” Dan answered and went to the bathroom immediately to take a cold shower. Maybe that’d wake him up a little. He kind of doubted it, but what other options did he have? After the shower he looked at the scratch on his arm that had healed up.

God, he just wanted to lay down again, he had no energy and everything he did, every little step he took seemed like more than he could handle. There was this persistent emptiness that wouldn’t leave him and he knew there was only one thing that could fill that hole.

But it’s the one thing he didn’t want to touch again.

So he’d just put on a fake smile, so Barry wouldn’t suspect anything. He’d put on a show for him. He’d pretend that everything was going to be okay again and that the withdrawal wasn’t in fact eating him up from inside. It wasn’t any physical pain, no.

It was this endless feeling of nothing. Which reminded him that, unless he’d start taking it again, he wouldn’t be able to get through the day. He wanted to cry, but he didn’t.  
For Barry’s sake, he wouldn’t cry.

He looked at himself in the mirror again and closed his eyes…

‘Remember… You do it for him.’

He got dressed and couldn’t help but notice once again how skinny he was. But not the usual. When was the last time he had properly eaten? Did he really think he could survive off coke alone? Apparently so. Maybe he should eat breakfast, just to make Barry happy.

Dan got dressed and went back to the kitchen.  
“B? I’d actually like to eat something after all.” Dan said, faking a smile. Barry smiled back genuinely. “Right, I’ll make you a PBJ sandwich, how’s that sound?”  
Dan nodded. “Sounds great! Maybe some milk. It always gets so sticky, you know?”  
Barry chuckled.

“Don’t make a dick joke, B.”

“I try not to.” 

Dan sat down at the table, just looking downwards. He hummed a little in an attempt to calm himself down. He tapped on the table to distracted himself and silently watched Barry make the sandwich. Barry put the plate and a glass of milk onto the table and Dan looked at it.

He stopped being hungry, but he’d have to eat this. He ate slow and pretending to enjoy it as much as possible. And Barry smiled happily, he was probably relieved that he was eating and Dan felt himself eat with a bit more joy. The sandwich tasted much better all of a sudden.

Barry was his lifeline his assurance that everything would be okay. And Dan stood up and kissed him.

“Sorry B, I just had to.” Dan laughed a bit, seeing how flustered Barry was.

“Uhm, yeah… That’s fine. Just...” He coughed and laughed. “Please don’t kiss me with your peanut mouth. Brush your teeth. PLEASE!” he jokingly leaned back.

Both laughed and Dan went to the bathroom to do just that. As soon as he was alone, he felt his mood drop again. Putting on a show was exhausting.

‘Just hold on to Barry.’ He thought to himself. ‘It’s gonna be okay. Barry won’t mind being my anchor. He knows I need him. And I really do need him.’

Finally the two were ready to go to the grump building. During the drive there, Dan felt fatigued and he slept a little in the car. He must have been really exhausted, since he fell asleep and his mind drifted of. 

He had a nightmare.

Dan saw himself standing in a dark room, it was quiet, except for the occasional whispering.

‘They hate you.’

‘He hates you.’

‘We hate you.’

‘I HATE YOU LEIGH!’ the last part was shouted and Dan recognized… Barry’s voice.

Dan woke up with a gasp. Shit, that dream felt so real to him, he had to grab Barry’s arm and ask him. “You don’t hate me, right, Barry?”

“No.” Barry looked at him confused. “Hey, are you nervous?”

“A little bit. They’re gonna flood me with questions about the meeting, won’t they?”

“I’m afraid so.” Barry softly rubbed Dan’s shoulder. “But I’m pretty sure, it won’t be so bad. We’re here by the way.”

“Could we just sit here and wait for a bit?” Dan asked quietly, not looking at Barry and he could feel Barry putting a hand on his knee.

“Sure. If that helps you.”

Dan put his hand on Barry’s.

“Uhm… B…”

“Yeah?”

“Might not be the right time to mention it but… We banged like twice and… We kissed and you told me you love me and stuff, does that mean we’re… A thing?” Dan blushed and looked downwards at Barry’s hand.

“Yep.”

Dan just kissed him, taking Barry by surprise.

“Wow. I can’t believe that after all this you still could love me.” Dan muttered nervously. Barry pulled him on his lap and smiled at him.  
“Hey, Dan. You know how it is. You’re lovable.”

And suddenly Dan couldn’t shake the feeling Barry was saying this out of pity. But Dan would keep shut about it, he didn’t want to assume anything. But if this really was Barry loving him out of pity… Did he really mind?

Not exactly.

He was happy, just being in his arms. He filled this void like emptiness with something. The two got out and stepped into the building, holding hands. Barry’s hand was warm and comforting and somehow he got new strength out of nowhere.

It must’ve been genuine love, right?

 

Ross was the first person they saw, he was making himself a cup of coffee.

“Hey Ross!” Dan said, trying to get him to react. Ross didn’t say anything. He looked weird though. He wasn’t… angry, or so Dan thought. There just wasn’t anything behind Ross’s eyes. He just looked… indifferent.

Ross at least nodded in acknowledgment. He then took a deep breath. “I hope your meeting went well.”

“It did.” Dan nodded. He didn’t want to talk to Ross anymore. He was just indifferent, as if he didn’t want to be friends anymore.

“Ross, we’re… friends right?”

“… Dan’s my friend.” Ross walked away. Barry put a hand on Dan’s shoulder. “It’s gonna be okay. He’s having a rough time. But he supports you.”

Dan thought back to the text Ross send him and nodded.

“Where’s Brian?” Dan frowned confused. Barry shrugged as an answer, he didn’t seem to know.

“He didn’t feel too well.” Suzy commented having passed by as Dan asked. “A migraine and stuff.”

“Oh.” Dan nodded.

“Hey, I really need to talk to you.” She said. “It’s important. I promised I wouldn’t say it but… I been feeling a bit weird about it and I feel like it needs to be addressed.”

The two went a bit away from everyone and Dan noticed how nervous Suzy seemed. As if she was hiding something.

“Listen… Leigh… Dan.”

Dan looked at Suzy.

“This whole Leigh thing wasn’t my idea. It was Ross’s. I promised him I wouldn’t tell you, but I’m starting to feel like he’s trying to alienate you for his own personal reason and not to actually help you.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“… I noticed the tension between you two. So Holly and I offered to act like it was our idea, so the rift between you wouldn’t grow.” She explained. Dan nodded. “So you think I’m…”  
“Yep, you’re still good old Danny Sexbang to me.” She smiled and put an arm around him. “I’m gonna talk to Ross, so this shit stops. Everyone’s realizing what a bad idea that is. Except…”

“Ross. He’s actively trying to separate himself from me, isn’t he?”

“Ross is human too.” Suzy said. “Maybe he just can’t deal with all of this. You have to understand that.”

“I do but…” Dan sighed. He didn’t want to sound selfish or attention hungry. He wanted to ask ‘Why does he act like he hates me then?’ . It was a valid question, but he felt guilty for asking, because to him Ross had every right to ignore and avoid him.

“Nevermind. I just gotta go, record and stuff.”

“Good luck Dan.” Suzy nudged him and smiled encouraging.

And Dan was ready to start the day.

Even if he still felt this emptiness…

But after all, it was all just in his mind…


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When someone is addicted, it affects the people around them. Everyone carries some damage. Some more than others...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Credits to my Beta!

Chapter 12

Sitting on the couch felt odd this time. Because Arin appeared to be acting different. He seemed much more reserved, much more tired. And Dan wanted to ask if he had slept at all. Arin really seemed like he’d pass out any moment. He sometimes simply spaced out and stared into nothing. Dan nudged him.

“Hey Arin, are you still on earth?”

“Nah, I’m all the way up in Uranus.” Arin joked. Dan sighed… Some things just wouldn’t change. Ever. “Okay, I hope you like it in there.” Dan joked back, though he noticed Arin was lacking something… The usual enthusiasm and all those feelings that’d burst out of him during gameplay. Arin grumbled something about the game being unfair.  
“What, no big outcry?” Dan couldn’t help but ask. “Usually there’s just the biggest of emotions here! The highest highs, the lowest lows! Where’s your emotion man? You’re not being yourself today.”

“Leigh Daniel Avidan, can’t a man just be tired?” Arin asked and inched close to him to stare right at him. “Do I need a reason to be tired? Maybe I didn’t sleep well!”

“Did you sleep at all?” Dan continued prying. “I don’t know. Mind your own business.” Arin concluded and made a hand gesture, signaling he didn’t wanna talk about this anymore. Dan would respect it… Or ask Suzy about it. Because he was still concerned and he started to think: Has his addiction caused… some issues with the others? He remembered Brian writing him he was having a hangover… And Suzy did tell him, Brian had a migraine today…

Not to mention Ross’s emotional coldness and his constant coffee drinking… What other damage had he done to the others?

What damage had he done to Arin? He hasn’t really stopped to ask himself that. Even if Arin on multiple occasions mentioned that he couldn’t get that image out of his head… 

Should he ask Arin about it?

“Hey Arin, I need to ask you something after this.”

“Sure.” Arin simply nodded. “Oh yeah, Barry edit that out. The part where Dan, you know what I’m trying to say. Okay, moving on to the game.”  
After the session, Dan remained on the couch and put a hand on Arin’s shoulder. “Arin, have you been sleeping alright?”

“…No.” He sounded defeated. “I haven’t been sleeping at all lately… But it’s not because of y-“

“Don’t lie to me. Please, I stopped lying so I’m asking the same from you. Just tell me the truth…” Yes, he might have damaged his friends, in one way or another… His addiction had affected them.

“I’m sorry, it is because of you. It’s those nightmares… From that night.” He paused. “I’ve been thinking about seeing a psychiatrist, you know? But Suzy can’t know that I’m going through this… If she finds she’s going to…”

“No, she won’t judge you. She loves you, why would she judge you for wanting help?”

“It’s not that. I’m worried if she finds out, you gave me some mild PTSD then… she might start to… you know… Hate you.” His gaze shifted. “I don’t want this to happen. We don’t need any rifts here.” Arin concluded. Dan just nodded. “I suppose that makes sense. But everyone’s been acting different. Ross is just cold and emotionless, Brian’s had two hangovers in almost a row… Suzy seems on edge, Holly didn’t even show up today and Barry is probably the only one who hasn’t changed slightly.”  
At least he hoped so. Maybe Barry just hasn’t shown it yet….

 

Barry… had changed. He was affected, he just didn’t show it, for Dan’s sake. But sometimes it got overwhelming so he tried to distract himself. He wasn’t sure if Dan noticed how he was always wearing something with long sleeves.

Well he hasn’t noticed how numb Barry felt, from all the emotional energy he just put into Dan and how it seemed to leave him drained. So he had to find some way to distract him, to just wake him up a little.

Sometimes he can feel the scars on his lower arm itch intensely. A habit he started last week. It certainly wasn’t something he wanted to do. It felt like something he had to do, in order to keep giving Dan the love and support he deserved. His feelings just aren’t important right now. It’s all about Dan and his addiction and he felt like it was killing him, like he was giving up a piece of himself, so he could fix Dan. It was probably all worth it right? 

It was worth the exhaustion.

The restless nights.

The scars.

And he’ll just keep putting on a show, because… Dan needs this, right? He needs support. He needs help. And Barry had to give this to him… Love, support and… his energy, he couldn’t leave him to his own devices, right?

Barry just nodded to himself. Yes that was the right thing to do. He rubbed his eyes and almost fell asleep on the spot. He closed his eyes and opened them again, when he felt a hand on his shoulder…

Dan.

“Hey there!” Dan said, sitting on Barry’s lap. “Dan, please get of me, alright?”

“No.” Dan laughed and Barry smiled. Yes it was worth it… If that was the price for seeing that smile, for the light in Dan’s eyes, then it was worth it.

“What do you need?” Barry just asked and Dan seemed to be thinking. “Nothing, I just dropped by to say hi. I’ve been wondering how you were doing.”

“I’m fine, don’t worry about me.” Barry said with a convincing smile. He knew he was lying to Dan and that he was a hypocrite… but he didn’t want Dan to worry about him. He was already dealing with his addiction.

He didn’t need to worry about him as well.

“Are you sure?”

“Super sure. You just worry about getting clean, next Sunday’s another meeting, I think Brian’s going with you then.”

“I’d rather have you with me…” Dan muttered. Barry just paused and then said “I’ll see what I can do. Maybe I can… Convince them.”

“Are you absolutely sure you’re okay?” Dan asked again, with a bit more of a stern expression. Barry just asked back “Are you okay?”

He tilted his head.

“Yes.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, Barry I’m okay.”

Barry knew Dan was lying. And it bothered him immensely. He knew how Dan had trouble getting up in the morning. He was there after all, he counted the minutes to see how long it’d take for him to get out of bed.

“Dan, what did I tell you about lying?”

“I know, but… Barry, I don’t want you to worry all the time… I’m starting to wonder if you’ve been taking care of yourself too. You seem a bit more reserved than usual.”

Barry shrugged. “No, it’s okay. I’m eating and stuff.”

“Sleeping?”

Barry paused.

“Yes, Dan. A lot of it.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes Dan. Why do you even care so much?” Barry asked him again. Dan just sighed. “Because I don’t want you to drain yourself, alright? You’re a human too. Just like Ross. And it’s okay if you take a break from all of this.”

“No. Ross is a cold hearted bastard who is trying to push you away because he doesn’t want to deal with all of this. I just care a lot.” Barry smiled at him. “Do you understand just how much I care, Dan? I care about you, because you’re close to my heart and leaving you be is irresponsible.”

Dan just sighed and cuddled up to him.

Barry would do everything to help him. Even if it was difficult to be close to him... Barry hoped it wouldn’t all be in vain.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone's a bit of a hypocrite, everyone is weak.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait. I have been really busy. Comments are appreciated!

Chapter 13

Four weeks have passed, and Dan has been to four more meetings. His path to become a clean man seemed easy… At least to those who didn’t know how he was feeling… He was tired, drained. He could barely talk to anyone around him. Everything just cost him so much more energy and he was getting desperate. His spare time was mostly spent in his room, trying not to go outside and buy more cocaine. He’d sometimes sit with Barry, just so he wouldn’t get suspicious of him. But today he was alone.

Dan told Barry he didn’t feel well and couldn’t get to work, so he’d just stay at home, he just needed to rest and he was alone for eight hours. Dan sighed.  
He hasn’t even gotten out of bed and it was almost 10 am. He should try and do something. But when he tried to stand up, he could feel this persistent shaking, mixed with absolute emptiness and lack of everything. 

He was tired.

He honestly missed this feeling of euphoria that rushed through him, this energy… This feeling of being on top of the world, of being able to do everything. He smiled at the memory of that and suddenly felt the craving again…

He closed his eyes and remembered what he was told at the meeting about cravings… Distract yourself. He finally got out of bed, deciding that he should play some Nintendo Wii U. That’d distract him. Yes. He’d play some Mario Maker levels… maybe some of Ross’s levels, they were so difficult the anger he felt would certainly distract him. He hoped at least.

He tried playing a level, but he just… didn’t feel like doing anything. He just stared at the clock, watched it tick away… He turned off the console and slumped down on the couch. He couldn’t handle it anymore. He just needed it.

It’d be so easy… He had money on him, it’d be so easy going out the door… So easy… Just one more line, he went 4 weeks now, without any. So, he had it all under control.  
And just one line… Barry wouldn’t notice.

Barry.

Barry would notice, right?

Dan just stood up, grabbed his money and put on some shoes.

What would Barry think of him?

Barry… He couldn’t disappoint him.

Dan just pressed his palm against the door.

“Barry… I can’t…”

He closed his eyes.

“I love you.”

 

Barry was in the Grumps building, in front of the TV. Since Dan took a day off, they decided to film an episode of Grumpcade with Brian, Arin and himself. Things weren’t going too bad honestly. The three were playing Splatoon, neither wanted to mention Dan at this moment. Barry couldn’t help but think about him and it created a knot in his stomach and he felt nervous. Should he have left him alone? He didn’t know. Maybe it was a mistake… It probably was a mistake. His hands gripped the controller harder.  
Dan was alone, he was probably lonely, he could relapse, he could go outside buy more stuff… Barry’s eyes widened at the thought. Should he have left him on his own? He needed to get out, he just needed to be alone at the moment, he didn’t want anyone looking at him and seeing him like that.

“Guys, I need to…” Barry stood up. “Just be on my own right now.”

“Are you sure you don’t need to talk about it?” Brian asked concerned. Barry took a shaky breath. “Arin, Brian I… I worry about Dan. He’s alone and… I’m worried… Dan could…”

Ross had walked in, holding a cup of coffee “What’s going on?” he asked. Brian sighed. “He’s worried about Dan.”

“Forget about Leigh.” Ross just shrugged. Barry shook his head. “I can’t. Ross… Dan needs me.” He couldn’t help the fact that he put a special emphasis on Dan’s name. Ross sighed. “Barry, just sit down and play some video games. You need some time for yourself. Leigh-“

“HIS NAME IS FUCKING DAN!” There it was. Weeks of pent up anxiety burst out of Barry as he dropped the controller. Everyone was taken aback. Even Ross looked guilty. “Barry, I’m sorry.”

“Why don’t you shut up and drink your fucking coffee? How many cups did you have so far? And in this week alone?” Brian asked his voice filled with hostility. Arin nodded. “Yeah, you do drink a lot of coffee lately.” Ross grimaced and snarled back “Well, depends: How much booze did you have Brian? And Arin, I really hope you’re sleeping well.”  
Silence.

Brian looked like he wanted to deck Ross.

Barry remained silent, just staring at his controller. Arin did look tired and Brian looked hung over. Maybe Ross was on to something, maybe they were being hypocrites. And Barry thought about the scars…

He was a hypocrite too.

“Guys, stop.” Arin sighed. “We don’t need to argue. It’s a very tough time for all of us, alright? Let’s all just sit down and try to… calm down.” He passed the controller back to Barry, who just sat back down. Ross put the mug on the table and sighed, sitting down too. “Brian, I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry too.” Brian just said.

There was more silence. The whole atmosphere changed, becoming even more intense. Nobody knew what to say to one another, nobody knew if they should talk about Dan, or the game… They knew it’d be a very boring episode of Steam Train, so they’d have to… Film it again, probably. Barry sighed. “Dan’s been clean for four weeks.” He smiled. “See, he’s getting there. He’s… slowly getting there.” Arin just nodded. Ross stared at his controller, he hasn’t even started playing. Brian asked “Barry, do you wanna check on Dan?”  
“Yes.” Barry said, standing up. “We can continue playing, once I’m back.” He immediately put on his shoes and jacket and walked through the door. He had to check on Dan, he may be worrying too much. But he… had this feeling. It was probably just paranoia. He wasn’t sure, he couldn’t possibly know right now.

He’d just go home. On his way there he bought a Hershey’s bar for Dan, maybe he’d appreciate some chocolate. It cheers him up, after all.

 

He arrived at home and unlocked the door. The apartment was eerily quiet and Barry was worried, Dan wasn’t home. He wouldn’t take his shoes and jacket off, he was just here to check on Dan. But for some reason, he… Didn’t want to. He was scared he might see Dan, who did something… Maybe relapsed.

He walked to the bedroom door and opened it. The room was dark, but after his eyes adjusted to the darkness in it (and the faint stream of light coming into the room) he recognized Dan, lying curled up on his bed, with the back to him and sleeping peacefully. Barry smiled and went inside, putting the chocolate bar on the bedside table and kissing him on the temple.

“Love ya.” He whispered and left, smiling. He walked out again, silently so he wouldn’t wake him up and locked the apartment door behind him.

After Barry left, Dan opened his eyes. He had been pretending to sleep. Yes he promised he wouldn’t lie to Barry anymore, but he couldn’t… He couldn’t handle this anymore. He had to use more, he had no other choice, this draining feeling was eating at him. And in his guilt, Dan could feel how dilated his pupils were.

“I’m sorry…” he muttered to himself. “I’m sorry…” That was all he could say. All those things his friends said to him, hadn’t gone through, all those tears they cried, poor Barry who was oblivious that he had been lied to again, Arin who possibly hasn’t slept in forever.

He would lie to all of them again. He knew he had to, if he didn’t want anyone to find out he had relapsed. Everyone… everyone would just hate him.

Dan’s eyes filled with tears.

“I hope you can forgive me.” Dan muttered, once again to nobody. Maybe he thought his whispered excuses would be carried across space and time and arrive to his friends. Though he knew that was bullshit. This time it… wasn’t just cocaine though… He had to go one step too far and he had tried something…

Pills.

Heroin pills.

“I’m… Sorry.”

Dan closed his eyes, now sobbing.

“I’m sorry.”


End file.
